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Verizon's Other Statement

Phil Harvey
5/19/2006

NOON -- Here's the press statement Verizon didn't want you to see.

From The Philter's Top Secret File of Stuff Phil Made Up While Watching American Idol on TiVo Last Night, I have a rough draft of Verizon Communications Inc. (NYSE: VZ)'s inflammatory statement regarding the NSA (see Verizon Responds to NSA Reports):

NEW YORK -- Verizon Communications Inc. (NYSE:VZ) today issued the following statement regarding news coverage about the NSA program which the President has acknowledged authorizing against al-Qaeda:

As the President has made clear, the NSA program he acknowledged authorizing against al-Qaeda is highly classified. Verizon cannot and will not comment on the program. Verizon cannot and will not confirm or deny whether it has any relationship to it. Verizon will not eat green eggs and ham. It would not, could not, Sam I am.

Furthermore, Verizon is very upset at the media's glaring and repeated falsehoods in all aspects of its coverage of the NSA, and the NBA, while we're at it. The media says Verizon was approached by NSA after 9/11 and entered into an arrangement to provide the NSA with data from its customers’ domestic calls.

This is false.

The media also says Knicks coach Larry Brown should be bought out and sent packing. Again, false. Brown should stay and Knicks President Isiah Thomas should be paid to hit the trail. His decision making is so bad he's actually a threat to national security. Hell's Bells, he can't even correctly spell his first name!

Another error is the claim that data on local calls is being turned over to NSA and that simple "calls across town" are being "tracked." In fact, phone companies do not even make "records" of "local calls" in most cases because the vast majority of customers are not billed per call for local calls. And we really think "America" will believe us when we say we only keep track of stuff that shows up on a customer's "bill." Most of them bought the whole WMDs-in-Iraq argument, so "they" can't be that swift, right?

Again, Verizon cannot and will not confirm or deny whether it has any relationship to the classified NSA program. Verizon always stands ready, however, to help protect the country from terrorist attack. But we won't tell you how we're doing it. Because (1) it's a secret, and (2) it would probably make you furious.

When asked for help, we will always make sure that any assistance is authorized by law and that our customers’ privacy is safeguarded. Unless we're told to do otherwise.

— Phil Harvey, Tin Can & String Editor, Light Reading

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