2:40 PM -- Hey kids!

We know you just can't wait to grow up, go to college, and join a fraternity. It's only natural: Countless movies and TV shows have convinced you that this will transform your life into a neverending series of awesome, wild parties filled with unbelievably hot chicks.

But the depressing reality is that those parties are smelly, boring, and mostly filled with drunken idiots. What to do?

Well, if you can believe the Pearland, Texas, Police Department,* there is a better way – and you don't even have to go to college. 'Cause Satan worshippers really know how to party.

— Red Panda, Demon Reveler, Light Reading

* N.B.: You can't.