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Do You Kazoo?

11:30 AM -- We at Light Reading ask ourselves the ultimate question: What's worse than breaking the world record for the largest kazoo ensemble? Answer: Not breaking the world record for the largest kazoo ensemble:

    Members of a 1980s funk and disco group hit a sour note in their attempt to break the world record for the largest kazoo ensemble, falling short of the some 2,600 impromptu musicians needed.

Ouch. That's a serious blow to devoted kazooists everywhere. Best wishes to all three of you.

    The current kazoo record was set this past New Year's Eve in Rochester, where 2,600 kazooers gathered to play shortly before midnight. Before that, The Quincy Park Band had held the record for gathering 1,791 players in Quincy, Ill., in 2004.

I wish I knew this stuff was seriously going on. I would have tried harder to hurl myself off a cliff.

    With some instruction from a professional kazooist — Barbara Stewart, author of "The Complete How To Kazoo" and member of the group Kazoophony — the Harlem kazooers' toneless buzzing soon transformed into lively tooting.

Only a "professional" could write a complete guide on humming into $2 worth of plastic.

    Stewart, who says she's leading a campaign to name the kazoo America's national instrument, declared the crowd members "proficient" players after the lesson, in accordance with Guinness World Records requirements.

It's a close race between the kazoo and the spoon/metal basin combo for America's national instrument. Good luck on the quest to make Americans more brainless and tone deaf, Babs!

— Red Panda, "Lively Tooter," Light Reading

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