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Birdie Beat Down

3:30 PM -- The Associated Press reports on a harrowing tale of feathers and fury:

    A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant was attacked by a man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

Wait, wait... I've got one... So a peacock walks into the parking lot of a Burger King...

    Beaten so fiercely that most of his tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for the city's Center for Animal Care and Control.

Well excuuusse me, Mr. "Gentles" (if that's your real name), how exactly would you handle a situation involving a feathered Dracula?

    The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into a Burger King parking lot in the New York borough of Staten Island and perched on a car hood Thursday morning. Charmed employees were feeding him bread when the man appeared.

Yeeeesss... Garrrrlicc bread! BWAHAHAHA!

    He seized the iridescent bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping the creature, said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.

    Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, "'I'm killing a vampire!'"

Whelp, you know what they say... Just another day on Staten Island.

— Red Blood-Sucking Panda, Light Reading

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