Yuletide Cheese Log

3:30 PM -- Tis the season to be cheesed off. Here's why:

Light Reading's Top 10 Holiday Rants 'n' Rules

  1. First off, thanks a bunch for the holiday photo card of your pre-pubescent, fat, awkward spawn standing in front of a tree. It looks great on my refrigerator, and by "on my refrigerator" I mean smoldering in my fireplace. Who wants a picture of your dorky kid wearing his headgear and his Christmas pimples? How's this for a doctrine: If your kid is too old to be sucking his thumb, and just old enough to start wearing braces because of all the years he did, it's time to give up the photo card.

  2. Here's a super-swell idea... Next year, instead of sending that fantastic basket of cheeses, chocolates, nuts, and other saturated fats, why not just send me booze so I can drink until I forget I know you?

  3. What's with the HTML Holiday Cards? They don't count!

  4. BUT, if you insist on sending one because you simply adore the dancing Santa with "Ho Ho Ho" printed on his ass, you could at least paste the link into a new email and not just continue to forward me the one that was sent to you by Aunt Bessy, sent to her by Uncle Ned, and sent to him by Walmart.com! But, really, even though you sent it to me and 350 of your closest friends and porn pals in your address book, it wasn't at all impersonal, seriously... I know that email blast of holiday cheer came straight from the heart.

  5. Sincere thanks to those who sent that "2006 Year in Review" outlining every obscure occurrence in your dismal life: Well, we finally got a puppy, Granny's whooping cough is getting better day by day, and little Danny is adjusting well to the sex change! Here's a tip for next year: Save the stamp, because I don't give a panda poop.

  6. Your dog does not appreciate the reindeer antlers. And nobody has any interest in seeing those pictures.

  7. Here's what I learned about "Secret Santa" this year: It's not a secret anymore, there's a specific price that you are expected to spend, and people are now making their own "wish lists" so the poor pathetic soul who selects their name knows exactly what to get without having to give it even a fleeting thought, and the recipient doesn't have to go through the trauma of receiving a gift that isn't up to par. Well, golly, isn't that just holiday fun with a cherry on top!

  8. Use your personalized stamp to sign my holiday card, and I'll firebomb your house. Simple as that.

  9. "Hey family, great news! Gather round! They're showing the Yule Log on TV!"
    Translation: Let's sit on the couch and stare at the inanimate log while contemplating suicide.

  10. And nothing is more awkward and disturbing than the Christmas Caroler. Nobody cares about Christmas that much -- these sad souls are just show-biz wannabes disguised as spreaders of Christmas cheer. Sorry you didn't make it on Star Search, sweetie. Now get off my doorstep.

— Red "Ebenezer" Panda, Light Reading

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sfwriter 12/5/2012 | 3:32:11 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log I can't stand those personalized return address labels with the disembodied heads drawn to look like every member of the household, including Fido. Some mommies have way too much time on their hands.
Larry, Monkey 12/5/2012 | 3:32:05 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log Top Peeve (apart from postal workers):
Crappy Holiday Songs, ad nauseum, wherever you try to hide. The Worst? "Holly Jolly Christmas." How'bout a Holly Jolly stake through your heart?
sfwriter 12/5/2012 | 3:32:04 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log How about those sweaters emblazoned with santas, reindeer, ornaments and Christmas trees? My mother-in-law has about 30 of said festive sweaters, each nearly drowning in sequins, beads, ribbons and glitter.
DarkWriting 12/5/2012 | 3:32:03 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log I've been nauseated lately by fuzzy, brown deer antlers that clip to automobile windows like NFL flags. Seem to be real popular with soccer moms driving gas hog SUVs. Maybe Iraq will still be happening when their kids come of age.

CoolLightGeek 12/5/2012 | 3:31:58 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log My second from the top annoyance is people who complain about the pleasure other people take in the season.

Those who complain because others feel pleasure in dressing up or writing about what they are thankful for in the year: These grinchy complainers need our love and maybe they'll get enlightened (or at least have bad dreams) if we keep up the pressure.
Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!
Welcome Christmas, come this way!

My top peeve is elementary school teachers that feel enpowered to ruin the magic of Christmas: Here's the latest...

Merry Christmas
Larry, Monkey 12/5/2012 | 3:31:56 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log LR just got a warm, heartfelt holiday greeting from Huawei:
"Dear Editor / Journalist..."
No mention of Monkey.
PetPanda 12/5/2012 | 3:31:49 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log I've always been thoroughly disturbed by Santa Claus is Coming to Town:
"He's making a list, checking it twice
gonna find out who's naughty or nice..."
"He sees you when you're sleeping,
he knows when you're awake..."
Reminds me a bit of Sting's "Every Breath You Take."
Santa and Sting need a hobby.
whyiswhy 12/5/2012 | 3:31:49 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log Ah yes: androgenous politically correct form letters from business contacts.

Can't you just feel the love!
Lite Rock 12/5/2012 | 3:31:48 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log Welcome to Pottersville.

Looks like Red needs a big ole bi-polar HUG!!

sfwriter 12/5/2012 | 3:31:48 AM
re: Yuletide Cheese Log Very funny. Just yesterday, as my 6-year-old was running wildly around Macy's, hiding in clothes racks, I suggested that Santa might be watching her behavior. She didn't buy it, though.
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