Light Reading's Top 10 Holiday Rants 'n' Rules
- First off, thanks a bunch for the holiday photo card of your pre-pubescent, fat, awkward spawn standing in front of a tree. It looks great on my refrigerator, and by "on my refrigerator" I mean smoldering in my fireplace. Who wants a picture of your dorky kid wearing his headgear and his Christmas pimples? How's this for a doctrine: If your kid is too old to be sucking his thumb, and just old enough to start wearing braces because of all the years he did, it's time to give up the photo card.
- Here's a super-swell idea... Next year, instead of sending that fantastic basket of cheeses, chocolates, nuts, and other saturated fats, why not just send me booze so I can drink until I forget I know you?
- What's with the HTML Holiday Cards? They don't count!
- BUT, if you insist on sending one because you simply adore the dancing Santa with "Ho Ho Ho" printed on his ass, you could at least paste the link into a new email and not just continue to forward me the one that was sent to you by Aunt Bessy, sent to her by Uncle Ned, and sent to him by Walmart.com! But, really, even though you sent it to me and 350 of your closest friends and porn pals in your address book, it wasn't at all impersonal, seriously... I know that email blast of holiday cheer came straight from the heart.
- Sincere thanks to those who sent that "2006 Year in Review" outlining every obscure occurrence in your dismal life: Well, we finally got a puppy, Granny's whooping cough is getting better day by day, and little Danny is adjusting well to the sex change! Here's a tip for next year: Save the stamp, because I don't give a panda poop.
- Your dog does not appreciate the reindeer antlers. And nobody has any interest in seeing those pictures.
- Here's what I learned about "Secret Santa" this year: It's not a secret anymore, there's a specific price that you are expected to spend, and people are now making their own "wish lists" so the poor pathetic soul who selects their name knows exactly what to get without having to give it even a fleeting thought, and the recipient doesn't have to go through the trauma of receiving a gift that isn't up to par. Well, golly, isn't that just holiday fun with a cherry on top!
- Use your personalized stamp to sign my holiday card, and I'll firebomb your house. Simple as that.
- "Hey family, great news! Gather round! They're showing the Yule Log on TV!"
Translation: Let's sit on the couch and stare at the inanimate log while contemplating suicide.
- And nothing is more awkward and disturbing than the Christmas Caroler. Nobody cares about Christmas that much -- these sad souls are just show-biz wannabes disguised as spreaders of Christmas cheer. Sorry you didn't make it on Star Search, sweetie. Now get off my doorstep.
— Red "Ebenezer" Panda, Light Reading