x

The Metrics System

11:45 AM -- From The Philter's PR file, here's an apparently urgent note sent by the fine folks at PureVideo Networks , owners of Stupidvideos.com, with my comments throughout:

I hope this find you very well.

Thanks. Wait a minute. "I hope this find you?" Who is this? Yoda?

Compete.com just released some very exciting news and metrics around StupidVideos that I thought you may be interested in.

Oh, goody. I love news. And metrics -- how deliriously tempting! Give me a cheese omelet and a fresh bucket of metrics every morning, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.

"StupidVideos excels again in the number of sessions per unique visitor, out-pacing all other sites in the top ten."

You know, Cupcake, my therapist excels in the number of sessions per unique visitor, too. That is, she won't let you off with just one visit and a bottle of pills anymore. No, siree! She's got a summerhouse to maintain and God knows how many pairs of Jimmy Choo's she has scattered between here and Cape Cod.

But enough about her. I don't know what the Hell you're talking about.

"As impressive as it is that StupidVideos.com came in sixth in total sessions and seventh in unique visitors, some other metrics show an even more interesting, stickier picture of the site. StupidVideos is the runaway leader in page views per session."

Are you feeling alright? First you greet me like a Kung-fu master, then you lather me up with metrics, and now you're the sixth best at something and the seventh best at that thing over there. Tell me something, Sheeba: Is there really a story here or are you just pretending to work?

If I put pen to paper, so to speak, and deliver a glowing tome on what a swell place StupidVideos.com is, how fast do you think it'll take HR to ramp up those mandatory drug tests?

Look: I'll play along and attempt to distill your crazy talk. You're saying that StupidVideos.com doesn't have as many visitors as some of the other sites, but when people do visit, they tend to stay longer and watch more videos.

Is that it? I mean, it's not the tomb of Christ, but it's a lot closer to sounding like a story than that slobber you were slinging.

Have a great afternoon and thank you.

Thanks. You go and get some rest, OK?

— Phil Harvey, Unique Visitor, Light Reading

Page 1 / 2   >   >>
Lite Rock 12/5/2012 | 3:13:33 PM
re: The Metrics System Dear Editorial Person,

Sarcasm is the bread and butter for any good Op/ Ed person. Now we are having an incredible offer for you. Sarcasm Credits will be available for purchase starting early in the second quarter of 2007. Once you are certified Sarcasm Neutral you can wear your Gray Button with pride.

No longer do you have to feel like an outsider in the parade of life.

Phil, I have to say your write up was entertaining.

At least when I received my Light Reading "pay Per Click" solicitation email it was obvious what LRs intent was.

So which LR animal are you?

Cheers
sfwriter 12/5/2012 | 3:13:33 PM
re: The Metrics System These press releases are sort of like slide ware. The bigger the hype, the less you can actually believe there's a business model behind them.

The same goes with PR people -- the more aggressively they stalk reporters, the less likely it is that their client is actually worth covering.
charmbuster101 12/5/2012 | 3:13:28 PM
re: The Metrics System To: Phil - pause;(I've already forgotten your last name)

The Hollywood Reporter blog was the resource for the "metric system" you so kindly referred to and not "Cupcake" whom you so cynically addressed in your blog . Considering that your comments missed the proverbial barn door, you might want to pay a visit to your optometrist for a new eye-glass prescription presumming you have one. But seriously,in regards to the "metric system" you should seriously consider adjusting some of your own metrics!Increasing either the length and/or frequency of your therapy sessions and asking your doctor if there's an even larger pill for you to take 3 times a day would be a good start....

In summary, from reading your post I would say that the only thing more sticky than stupidvideos is the cheap glue that you've been sniffing.

Kindest regards,

Yoda

PS. I hope this finds you well

PSS. Sarcasm High! :-)
charmbuster101 12/5/2012 | 3:13:28 PM
re: The Metrics System To: Phil - pause;(I've already forgotten your last name)

The Hollywood Reporter blog was the resource for the "metric system" you so kindly referred to and not "Cupcake" whom you so cynically addressed in your blog . Considering that your comments missed the proverbial barn door, you might want to pay a visit to your optometrist for a new eye-glass prescription presumming you have one. But seriously,in regards to the "metric system" you should seriously consider adjusting some of your own metrics!Increasing either the length and/or frequency of your therapy sessions and asking your doctor if there's an even larger pill for you to take 3 times a day would be a good start....

In summary, from reading your post I would say that the only thing more sticky than stupidvideos is the cheap glue that you've been sniffing.

Kindest regards,

Yoda

PS. I hope this finds you well

PSS. Sarcasm High! :-)
Lite Rock 12/5/2012 | 3:13:27 PM
re: The Metrics System I'm Schizophrenic, and so am I.

I beginning to think this Sarcasm Credit thing might have some legs...
DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:13:24 PM
re: The Metrics System re: "I beginning to think this Sarcasm Credit thing might have some legs..."

Then maybe it can run over and get me another cup of coffee. I'm still not awake enough to understand your post from earlier.

ph
DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:13:24 PM
re: The Metrics System Wow. A message so good you posted it twice.

Go easy on that poor Return key.

ph
Lite Rock 12/5/2012 | 3:13:21 PM
re: The Metrics System Then maybe it can run over and get me another cup of coffee. I'm still not awake enough to understand your post from earlier.

ph


Yeah it hardly made sense to me either. I would explain it but then that would violate the first rule of comedy. Comedy should never be explained, you either get it, or you don't.

Either way, I think you guys need to require a two drink minimum.

It's shaping up to be a nice sunny warm weekend, enjoy!

Cheers
sfwriter 12/5/2012 | 3:13:21 PM
re: The Metrics System re: "I'm still not awake enough to understand your post from earlier."

Good, I'm not the only one who didn't get the whole sarcasm credit thing. There's a difference between sarcasm and irony. When something is as clever and funny as Phil's post, it's called irony.
DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:13:21 PM
re: The Metrics System re: "Either way, I think you guys need to require a two drink minimum."

Now that I understand.

And thanks,
ph
Page 1 / 2   >   >>
HOME
Sign In
SEARCH
CLOSE
MORE
CLOSE