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Taking Back America

2:00 PM -- Today's ESPN trumpets a new American sports hero... No, more than that. What we have here is a true role model, a standard bearer of hope for all the kids out there who are struggling to find meaning in these troubled times:

    Watch out, Takeru Kobayashi. Here comes Joey Chestnut.

    Chestnut, a 22-year-old civil engineering student at San Jose State, ate 50 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes Thursday at the Las Vegas qualifier for a spot at the table at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

    The mark sets the American hot dog eating record...

    "This could be so critical to our sport," said George Shea, chair of the International Federation of Competitive Eating... "It's never good for the same athlete to win so many years in a row. The Fourth of July has been stolen from Americans because of Kobayashi's dominance and now America has someone who they can get excited about."

    "I'm going to push harder on our Independence Day to take the title back," said Chestnut, who is 6-foot-1 and 230 pounds. "My brother is in the National Guard in Iraq and there will be a lot of people behind me."
Joey, whatever our country's enemies may say, you're more than just another fat loser. A grateful (and well fed) nation salutes you!

— Larry, Attack Monkey, Light Reading

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