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Spring Into VON

5:00 PM -- I'm not a professional editor or anything, but a recent marketing message from one of the mavericks over at pulvermedia has me buzzing with questions about Spring VON. More questions than usual, I might add.

In the first act of this Tragedy, we playfully picked on Carl, a gentle bear of a man who wrote passionately about Jeff Pulver's Fall VON show while, apparently, typing with his forehead.

But this message shows that Carl does not toil alone in his artistic stratosphere. In a marketing note sent today, Carl's colleague, Scott, has matched him wit for wobbly wit.

Like the greeters at Caesar's Palace, the note extends a hearty welcome:

Hi There,
Wow... another year is coming to an end. Please join me at the IP Communications Industry's first major event of the year, Spring 2007 VON, located in San Jose, CA on March 19-22, 2007. At Spring VON, we will discuss, debate and set the stage of the industry for 2007 and beyond. Spring VON will offer everything you have come to expect from pulvermedia events, as well as some extraordinary surprises and special guests.

Oh, fiddlesticks, I have to ask: What is "the stage of the industry"? Is there a giant platform somewhere in the Piney Woods atop which everything in telecom must rest? Is this Pulver's version of Walden Pond?

If we take Scott's note at its word, and there's no other way to take it, VON will be a place to discuss the stage, debate the stage, and set the stage, too. Let me ask you something, dollface: How many times have you had an actual debate with a stage? Especially a stage of the industry?

Not ever, I presume. Keep reading:

Our event will:

  • Has convergence gotten us anywhere? - As we focus on the new service strategy we keep and eye on where applications have created revenue and opportunity.
  • What makes IPTV compelling as the next phase of the Triple play? - Has the need for facilities to carrier quality video been met by the consumer appetite for HD TV?
  • Where does IP communications make the most sense for your business? - In a market that is exploding with new service ideas learn if full bundles of Video, Voice and Data will crowd out the niche play in the market or make the opportunity greater.
  • Will the wireless market feel the pressure to deliver via IMS and result in the future Wireless Internet Services? - Wireless has become the next victim of arbitrage. Can it meet the challenge with services that keep customers loyal? Or are the price wars just beginning?


I have to stop. I can't breathe.

Our event will... what? He seems to have missed a word. Maybe he was debating the industry stage and fell off.

Anyway, nice to see we'll be keeping "and eye" on things.

Jeepers.

Ask the man where his grammar is and he'd likely tell you she's in the kitchen, baking cookies.

Ponder this important question he raises (or maybe lowers): "Has the need for facilities to carrier quality video been met by the consumer appetite for HD TV?"

Grammatically and otherwise, the question is both unanswerable and unaskable. That's a sign of the Apocalypse, no?

Can you imagine participating in a conference panel where that question was posed? Mind you, I'd rather juggle axes and anvils. Maybe the only way out of such a literary dark alley is to blurt out, Howard Dean-style, "Has convergence gotten us anywhere?! Booyah!!"

Well?

The following passage, too, is priceless in that it both makes a declarative statement, yet still leaves the reader wondering if he just sustained a head injury: "In a market that is exploding with new service ideas learn if full bundles of Video, Voice and Data will crowd out the niche play in the market or make the opportunity greater."

A final question to consider, according to the note: "Will the wireless market feel the pressure to deliver via IMS and result in the future Wireless Internet Services?"

That, my chums, is doozy -- a two-part masterpiece. First, he wants to know: Will the wireless market feel pressure to deliver via IMS? Second, he wants to know: Will the wireless market result in the future Wireless Internet Services?

I've got a nosebleed.

Again, you can see he's striving for an artistic/philosophical bent here. Maybe not all questions are meant to be understood.

The note ends in a rather pedestrian way. He pleas for patronage and then tries a nifty up-sell to some lesser event:

Over the years we have always enjoyed the constant support of the VoIP community. Increasingly, we are adding our brethren in other IP Communication mediums such as video. We are thankful for that support and humbled by it, and it is that support which drives me to continually improve the VON experience. This year, as we did at Fall 2006 VON, all VON Conference Delegates will be given free access to the Video on the Net Conference.

Because of your past support of pulvermedia, I am offering you a special friends and family rate that saves you and additional $100 off the already discounted early bird special pricing for multi-day conference packages. Use priority code: "FRIENDS" to secure your place and save $600! This offer expires on December 29, 2006, so act now! To register and save $600, click here!

I look forward to seeing you in March in San Jose for Spring 2007 VON.

Best regards,
Scott

If this is how they publicly advertise a show that will somehow span the landscape of VOIP equipment and video content, then I have no choice but to register early and often. Following a public reading of this note, I submit that the Spring VON show keynote address should consist of nothing less than that YouTube video loop of a cat flushing a toilet.

I think that would set the stage of the industry just fine.

— Phil Harvey, Baron VON Editor, Light Reading

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