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Riveting Testimony on Net Neutrality

Google's Vint Cerf and the NCTA's Kyle McSlarrow were on Capitol Hill Wednesday testifying before the U.S. Senate Commerce Committee on the topic of 'net neutrality.' Allow me to paraphrase. Vint: 'Mr. Chairman, broadband service providers are scary monsters that could destroy the Internet as we know it. Please Senators! Put a leash on these beasts or they might do something really awful, like prioritize traffic on their access networks to improve the delivery of latency-sensitive voice and video applications for consumers.' 'To demonstrate how strongly we at Google believe in the principle of net neutrality, we vow never to implement an application prioritization scheme, such as MPLS, on our own IP backbone network. Furthermore, Google has committed to immediately stop selling advertising based on prioritized search results. From now on, when a consumer searches a keyword through Google, the millions of results will be displayed on a single page, without any hierarchy. By removing prioritization intelligence from our own network and search platform, consumers will benefit immensely.' [Sergey Brin whacks Vint with one of his diamond-studded sneakers]. 'Ouch! What the ...? UmmÉ My apologies Mr. Chairman. Could you please strike that last paragraph from the record?' Kyle: 'Mr. Chairman, over the last decade U.S. cable operators have invested $100 billion to upgrade their networks to offer such services as broadband Internet access. With Google's stock price having fallen to a mere $360 today, down from a high of $475 per share, their market cap still stands at $106 billion. That's close enough for us. Can't we just call it even and drop this entire discussion?' NOTCE FOR THE COMEDICALLY CHALLENGED: The previous editorial commentary falls within the genre broadly known as satire. If you're interested in reading the actual testimony, it can be found at http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/witnesslist.cfm?id=1705
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