One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
“So then, you’re the one with the prehensile toes?”
“Uh… no. No. OK, I had to go… see a guy.”
“A guy? What guy? David Hasselhoff?”
“Just a guy… You don’t know him…”
“What? He owed you money?”
“No, he… Look. Mysterious Ways, ’nuff said?”
“Convenient Ways, I’d say.”
“Hey. My Dad’s the Creator of the Universe. Don’t fuck with me… And keep off my beach.”