- LAND HO!
Yep, that's the gee, what-if premise of a press release issued this morning by the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association (CTIA) in celebration of Columbus day. It speculates on just how different life might have been for Columbus and his merry band of cutthroats if they'd had all the latest wireless technology to plot their course and keep them entertained on their voyage.
- HOTSPOT HO!
And gosh, kids! What if he'd had a Megascope Space Prober?!!
The CTIA even suggests that wireless phones could have helped Columbus and crew keep "the natives from getting restless." Hmmph! As if muskets and smallpox weren't more than good enough!
The real kicker is that, if we humor the idea for just one second, Columbus would never have actually discovered the Americas if he'd have had wireless.
As the release acknowledges, Columbus wasn't even searching for the Caribbean islands when he set out from Spain. Today's modern technology, the release burbles: "Might also have guided him to his intended Asian destination."
Is it happy hour yet?
— Dan "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash" Jones, Senior Editor, Unstrung