More Crap From Unplugged

The worst column. Ever.

August 24, 2005

2 Min Read
More Crap From Unplugged

4:30 PM -- Regular readers of Red Panda will recall that yesterday we popped in on "Unplugged," a toadying PR rag run by some wireless LAN event in London.

Now it has come to Red Panda's attention that Esme Vos isn't the only one talking utter bollocks over on Unplugged.

Check out the following contender in the category of "Worst Column, Ever." We present, for your edification, "April 2004 Heroes of Wi-Fi" by Piers Bearne.

Ignore, if you can, the fact that the whole concept of trying to portray people that are pioneering wireless LAN technology so that they can make bucketfuls of money into "heroes" is actually incredibly offensive and simply enjoy the mellifluous contortions of Piers' wheedling, sponsor-friendly prose.

Can't be bothered to click? No worries. Here's an excerpt, complete with Panda parentheticals:

Heroism is a very old-fashioned concept [not in New York]. We no longer believe that progress is created by individuals. [We don’t? Huh. Thanks for letting us know.] Whether you follow Karl Marx, Adam Smith, Charles Darwin or Francis Fukuyama [F*** my mother??!!? Sheesh.], it’s fashionable to think of history, politics and markets in deterministic terms. We know we are all subject to huge forces outside our control [like, bad gas?].

But there are still times when the actions of individuals and groups make a difference. When rapid, violent change or disaster occurs, heroes (and villains) shape the outcome. Would Al Gore have invaded Iraq? [Eh?] It’s the same when new markets and new technologies arise. [Well, actually, it isn’t.] Many technologies fail because they are championed by the wrong people or the wrong organizations. [True, true... Stalin really ruined FDDI for the rest of us.]

Wi-Fi is a tough game to be in. [I'm so sorry.] There's no "wall of money" waiting to finance Wi-Fi businesses. [Where's my violin?] There are no easy sales out there [Oh, boo hoo!]– enterprise IT managers and service providers will never spend again like they did in 1999/2000. [This is actually a good thing, by the by.] Technology standards are still uncertain and evolving, which means there aren't great economies of scale. I believe the phenomenal success of Wi-Fi owes a lot to a new generation of heroes and heroines: risk-takers, innovators and stubborn outsiders who refuse to give up."

That’s right. Forget firemen, soldiers, cops, EMS workers, and all those other wannabes. Looking for a hero? According to Penis we should look no further than Magnus Kelly (who?) at Mapesbury Communications (wha?) or Magnus McEwen-King (Burger King?). Weirdly enough, Magnus Pike, Magnus Magnusson, and Magnus Samuelsson fail to make Piers' cut.

— Red "I’m holding out for a hero" Panda, Light Reading

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