Cheap Shots

Cheap Shots

July 19, 2005

3 Min Read
Cheap Shots

12:30 PM -- Who said telecom executives weren't an innovative bunch? Well, I probably have a time or three, but I've been wrong once.

Note this gem from today's steaming PR pile:

The road to a possible nightlife phenomenon called [Doug] Hamer out of the telecommunications world (he founded long-distance reseller Allsouth Communications) and [Brian] Higgins out of information technology to create Suck & Blow, the first interactive beverage in the alcohol industry.

Suck & Blow are patented, six-inch plastic tubes containing one-and-a-half ounces of flavored gelatin (13 percent alcohol, by volume). Safety-sealed caps on both ends of the tube require two mouths: one to blow out the gelatin and the other to suck it in. According to Hamer, "Suck & Blow gives hope to socializing singles who can use the need for a Suck & Blow partner to break the ice, rather than risk almost sure failure with those old, tired and just plain awful pick-up lines."

Right, of course. Why try to engage someone in conversation when you can, instead, ask them to use a lewd device to propel alcohol and germs into your mouth? But, alas, the pitch continues:

Hamer and Higgins, who have known each other since high school, were attending a coastal water festival in 2001 where they noticed the consumption of tray-upon-tray of gelatin shots as well as the funnel method of downing beer. Inspiration (and a novel attempt to attract a certain someone) led Hamer to put a gelatin shot in the funnel tube and, after attracting the desired partner to lend a blow, the concept swept the festival and led Hamer and Higgins to seriously consider the realities of mass producing individual, tamper-proof and hygienic gelatin shots in a tube. In five months, the idea had the approval of the Food and Drug Administration and was on the shelves in liquor stores throughout South Carolina and Tennessee.

Great Gatsby! This stuff's already on the shelves in South Carolina and Tennessee? My, aren't the FDA inspectors a soft touch these days? One would hope that they only way they could be talked into endorsing this product is if, somehow, the gelatin shots had the added effect of causing straight teeth, clear skin, and sterility in the consumer.Oh, dear. The pitch isn't finished yet:

And what about those people whose eyes first met from opposite ends of a Suck & Blow tube? Have there been any wedding bells as a result? Hamer won't name names, but he does admit to some pretty hot Suck & Blow stories being relayed to him via email. "Let's just say that there has been documented proof in our real-time, email and camera phone world, that Suck & Blow can make a successful introduction. What happens after that is between you and whoever's on the other end of the tube."

No doubt Hamer and Higgins will make a mint with their Spit & Catch, or whatever it's called. But I fear the thing will turn tragic the minute someone sneezes and turns an innocent drinking game into a bio-weapon.

And when it does, you can bet some enterprising young telecom executives will answer the call with FDA-approved face shields. Our industry is dynamic that way.

— Phil Harvey, Drinking Concepts Editor, Light Reading

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