50 Worst Company Names
Light Reading would be the first to admit that coming up with a good company name is hard. (One of the original names suggested for our own company was "The Optical Organ." Oy!)
But some of the following handles defy belief (as well as inducing paroxysms of laughter around the office).
Light Reading's attempts to whittle these down to a standard-sized Top 10 list quickly faltered... after all, how could we in good conscience favor a Molex over a Mintera -- or pick one editor's Arescom over another man's Gianus? We present, then, for no good reason other than that we can, our official list of the 50 Worst Company Names in optical networking. Warning: Some are just the teeniest bit lewd, some are downright nauseating... In any event, we hope they amuse. (And feel free to nominate your own favorites using the message board at the end of this article).
But some of the following handles defy belief (as well as inducing paroxysms of laughter around the office).
Light Reading's attempts to whittle these down to a standard-sized Top 10 list quickly faltered... after all, how could we in good conscience favor a Molex over a Mintera -- or pick one editor's Arescom over another man's Gianus? We present, then, for no good reason other than that we can, our official list of the 50 Worst Company Names in optical networking. Warning: Some are just the teeniest bit lewd, some are downright nauseating... In any event, we hope they amuse. (And feel free to nominate your own favorites using the message board at the end of this article).
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1) Phartronics Engineering (no Website, sadly... just follow your nose)
They can measure everything these days!
2) Ebone Broadband Services Ltd.
’nuff said
3) Gianus Technologies Inc.
For that enormously painful itching and swelling
4) Molex Inc.
...and removes unwanted hair
5) Sanbolic Inc.
SAN Bollocks!
6) Arescom Inc.
Company motto: "We put the Arse back in Com."
7) Spirea
Get your kids vaccinated early!
8) PipingHot Networks (PHN)
eww! (At least it's not steaming, as well.)
9) Coactive
Next on Oprah: Coactive White Trash Love Triangles
10) McData Corp.
"We're fast, and we're crappy!"
11) Accordion Networks Inc.
"Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs our specialty."
12) Dorsal Networks
"We’re flat on our backs!"
13) Cognigine Corp.
Cognahognahognabog? Cognahognahognabog!
14) Zzyzx Peripherals Inc.
If you pronounce it backwards, you’re transported to the Bizarro world.
15) Loudcloud Inc.
"Me heap big chief! Pull finger!"
16) 2nd Century Communications
"Illuminated manuscripts our specialty."
17) Gnubi Communications
gnubidubidu
18) Plasmon PLC
Sounds like a differently abled, Rastafarian, Trekkie Superhero.
19) Gooch and Housego PLC
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer in the pants...
20) Starbak Communication
Coming soon to every goddam corner near you...
21) Madge Networks
Blanche Networks’ sister company
22) VoicePump
The only telecommunications firm endorsed by Monica Lewinsky.
23) France Telecom SA
Who the Hell would name a company after that country?
24) Texas Instruments Inc.
(see: France Telecom)
25) Huge Systems Inc.
A spinoff of Enormous F***ing Systems Inc.
26) Platypus Technology Inc.
Ugly, but totally immersible
27) Engineering by Design
For those who’ve had disappointing results engineering by accident
28) Fantasma Networks
"Deodorizes as it whitens!"
29) Wanadoo
No, actually, we don't.
30) TruePosition Inc.
Recommended by missionaries everywhere
31) Trigyn Technologies Ltd.
"Three pair of stirrups, no waiting!"
32) Airbiquity
It’s clever, and it’s boring, all at once!
33) Virtela Communications Inc.
Will demolish an entire tomato crop in a matter of days
34) Sputnik Inc.
Cutting-edge optical technology, direct from the Urals
35) LittleFeet Inc.
And yet, they're exquisitely formed!
36) Incipient Inc.
"We’ll be right with you... Really!"
37) E-Plus Mobilfunk GmbH
Featuring MC Blitzmeister P-Dieter Phunkrat
38) Prolyx Microelectronics Packaging Inc.
They’re okay, but they do go on.
39) Seventh Wave Technology Inc.
Better late than never.
40) Blue Order
"We’re not just a cult anymore!"
41) Fanuc Robotics Inc.
"Klaatu barada, my ass! Fanuc this!"
42) Vormetric Inc.
Like, gag me with a spoon, will you?
43) Optogone
Damn! And they just optogot here!
44) iVast Inc.
"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
45) Evolving Systems Inc.
Knuckle-draggers welcome
46) Ardent Communications Inc.
"They don’t know what love is!"
47) Voltaire Inc.
The best of all possible storage solutions?
48) Mintera Corp.
"Leaves your breath springtime fresh!"
49) PowerQuest Inc.
And the 21st Century Wankers!
50) Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm Photonics GmbH
[© 1969 Monty Python’s Flying Circus]
— Larry, Attack Monkey, Light Reading
AllGone
12/5/2012 | 3:30:13 AM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
yes this is typical anti-French action since they were trying to tell G.W. Moron not to go to IRAQ.note we don't even use the "We told you so!"
verstand
12/5/2012 | 12:29:39 AM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
Lucent still think they are the glorious old Bell Lab! Man, weak up! Look at their number and read the news of their stupid M&As!
nicecuteguy1980
12/5/2012 | 12:04:21 AM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
Paxonet Communications.Check it out. You are definitely going to add it and that too probably in top-5.
djniall
12/4/2012 | 11:12:30 PM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
What do think the Italian subsidiary of UK energy co. Powergen calls itself? That's right PowergenItalia.
Greenbone
12/4/2012 | 10:29:15 PM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
Outstanding! Reading this list made my day.
thatsmrgeektoyou
12/4/2012 | 10:29:14 PM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
How about Grammer Engine?The favorite PROM Emulator of grade school English classes everywhere!
davey59
12/4/2012 | 10:29:14 PM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
Celion NetworksBringing Celion Dion to the world
My Heart will go on......and on.... and on.....
Photuris
For tourists only
Teradvance
Tearing down optical Networks
Excelight
New in the Auto Department at Halfords
Most excellent light adventure
Metrophotonics
Just plain godawful
Peleton
Football star, BB Gun or what?
JudasPriest
12/4/2012 | 10:29:12 PM
re: 50 Worst Company Names
One doesn't have to read these message boards for long to realize the market for Grammer Engine is vast.For the majority of the holier-than-thou genius, high-falutin engineers that populate this site and contribute to its ongoing commentaries, the English language seems to be a real puzzler.
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> 23) France Telecom SA
> Who the Hell would name a company after that
> country?
is that humour or racism ??