50 Worst Company Names

Light Reading would be the first to admit that coming up with a good company name is hard. (One of the original names suggested for our own company was "The Optical Organ." Oy!)

But some of the following handles defy belief (as well as inducing paroxysms of laughter around the office).

Light Reading's attempts to whittle these down to a standard-sized Top 10 list quickly faltered... after all, how could we in good conscience favor a Molex over a Mintera -- or pick one editor's Arescom over another man's Gianus? We present, then, for no good reason other than that we can, our official list of the 50 Worst Company Names in optical networking. Warning: Some are just the teeniest bit lewd, some are downright nauseating... In any event, we hope they amuse. (And feel free to nominate your own favorites using the message board at the end of this article).

1) Phartronics Engineering (no Website, sadly... just follow your nose)
They can measure everything these days!

2) Ebone Broadband Services Ltd.
’nuff said

3) Gianus Technologies Inc.
For that enormously painful itching and swelling

4) Molex Inc.
...and removes unwanted hair

5) Sanbolic Inc.
SAN Bollocks!

6) Arescom Inc.
Company motto: "We put the Arse back in Com."

7) Spirea
Get your kids vaccinated early!

8) PipingHot Networks (PHN)
eww! (At least it's not steaming, as well.)

9) Coactive
Next on Oprah: Coactive White Trash Love Triangles

10) McData Corp.
"We're fast, and we're crappy!"

11) Accordion Networks Inc.
"Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs our specialty."

12) Dorsal Networks
"We’re flat on our backs!"

13) Cognigine Corp.
Cognahognahognabog? Cognahognahognabog!

14) Zzyzx Peripherals Inc.
If you pronounce it backwards, you’re transported to the Bizarro world.

15) Loudcloud Inc.
"Me heap big chief! Pull finger!"

16) 2nd Century Communications
"Illuminated manuscripts our specialty."

17) Gnubi Communications
gnubidubidu

18) Plasmon PLC
Sounds like a differently abled, Rastafarian, Trekkie Superhero.

19) Gooch and Housego PLC
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer in the pants...

20) Starbak Communication
Coming soon to every goddam corner near you...

21) Madge Networks
Blanche Networks’ sister company

22) VoicePump
The only telecommunications firm endorsed by Monica Lewinsky.

23) France Telecom SA
Who the Hell would name a company after that country?

24) Texas Instruments Inc.
(see: France Telecom)

25) Huge Systems Inc.
A spinoff of Enormous F***ing Systems Inc.

26) Platypus Technology Inc.
Ugly, but totally immersible

27) Engineering by Design
For those who’ve had disappointing results engineering by accident

28) Fantasma Networks
"Deodorizes as it whitens!"

29) Wanadoo
No, actually, we don't.

30) TruePosition Inc.
Recommended by missionaries everywhere

31) Trigyn Technologies Ltd.
"Three pair of stirrups, no waiting!"

32) Airbiquity
It’s clever, and it’s boring, all at once!

33) Virtela Communications Inc.
Will demolish an entire tomato crop in a matter of days

34) Sputnik Inc.
Cutting-edge optical technology, direct from the Urals

35) LittleFeet Inc.
And yet, they're exquisitely formed!

36) Incipient Inc.
"We’ll be right with you... Really!"

37) E-Plus Mobilfunk GmbH
Featuring MC Blitzmeister P-Dieter Phunkrat

38) Prolyx Microelectronics Packaging Inc.
They’re okay, but they do go on.

39) Seventh Wave Technology Inc.
Better late than never.

40) Blue Order
"We’re not just a cult anymore!"

41) Fanuc Robotics Inc.
"Klaatu barada, my ass! Fanuc this!"

42) Vormetric Inc.
Like, gag me with a spoon, will you?

43) Optogone
Damn! And they just optogot here!

44) iVast Inc.
"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

45) Evolving Systems Inc.
Knuckle-draggers welcome

46) Ardent Communications Inc.
"They don’t know what love is!"

47) Voltaire Inc.
The best of all possible storage solutions?

48) Mintera Corp.
"Leaves your breath springtime fresh!"

49) PowerQuest Inc.
And the 21st Century Wankers!

50) Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm Photonics GmbH
[© 1969 Monty Python’s Flying Circus]

— Larry, Attack Monkey, Light Reading


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