Securing the Package

2:10 PM -- Last week, Red Panda brought you the, ah, gripping tale of a man who spent two weeks with a padlock stuck around his testicles. (If you missed it, go back, it's definitely a must-read.)

At the time, Cpl. H.D. Wood of the Brentwood (N.H.) P.D. commented: "Never in my 13 years have I seen anything like this." And it certainly seemed likely we would have to wait another 13 years to see its like again.

And yet: Defying all laws of nature, logic, probability, and decency, that unfortunate New Hampshirite had a kindred spirit across the pond, who at nearly the exact same moment was distressing his "neighbours" by strolling about in a state of "amphetamine-induced psychosis... wearing nothing but a hat and a padlock fixed to his penis."

What are the odds?

Red Panda is sure you'll want to read the whole story, which is nearly as scintillating as last week's. But sadly, the Worcester Standard is silent on the burning question on Red Panda's mind, and surely yours as well: What kind of hat best accessorizes a Master-Lock codpiece?

— Red Panda, Padlocked Private Parts Publicist, Light Reading