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Phil Harvey

NOON -- Let's get political.

Everyone knows the only real way to get a grassroots political movement going is to provide an easy-to-use form letter, so that even the dimmest guy in a pack of pants-pooping, functional illiterates can have some meaningful dialogue with his political representatives. [Insert your own Bush Administration joke here.]

Today, I humbly present a form letter that I think will give our Washington representatives serious pause when considering the plight of network neutrality. After that serious pause, they'll hit the delete key. But at least we can make them think:

    Dear Senator [Surname] or Dear Representative [Surname] or Dear Current Resident:

    Congress must preserve a free and open Internet. Please vote for enforceable network neutrality and keep tollbooths, gatekeepers, and discrimination off my Internet.

    BUT… I realize that's a large and probably insurmountable task, what with all the summer activities and the NBA playoffs going on.

    That's why I am asking you to just save one important piece of the Internet for right now: Phil Harvey's blog,
    The Philter©.

    As a supporter of Net Neutrality, I'm terrified that corporate control of the Web will reduce my choices, and stifle the spread of innovative and independent ideas that we've come to expect online. I know the entire Internet is in danger -- I'd rather focus on saving just one bit of it right now.

    You know, baby steps. Walk before you run. That kind of thing.

    If we can save
    The Philter© from being unfairly blocked by the nation's largest phone companies, then there is hope we'll be able to someday ensure that all IP communications will be nothing more than one big, crappy, "best effort" free-for-all.

    So please pass a law requiring that Phil Harvey's
    The Philter© be allowed to meander drunkenly around telco access networks. Please take care to prevent anyone from tampering with the speed at which this great American blog-sort-of-thing reaches its highly literate, desperately bored audience.

    With one law protecting one blog, we'll have something substantial to fall back on when we're trying to get Network Neutrality as an issue, despite the fact that most of our 1,500 blogger/proponents can't even define it. I'm mean, we're desperate here. We've got Alyssa Milano blogging for us, and we're still getting creamed every time a vote comes up. Throw us a bone.

    One law. One blog. Think about it.

    Thank you.

    Kindest regards,
    [Your name]

Please remember to really put your name in the spot where it says, "Your Name." Unless your name is "Your Name," in which case you can just leave it as is. I mean, after seeing there really is a guy named D'Brickashaw Ferguson in the NFL draft this weekend, I'm willing to believe just about anything.

Happy letter writing!

— Phil Harvey, Internet Savior, Light Reading

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12/5/2012 | 3:55:23 AM
re: Save This Blog

Dear Senator/Congressman/Political Scum,

How would like to 100% guarantee your re-election? How would you like to fill your election coffers with money? This message is to inform you that this CAN be done and done simply.

We, the Internet Porn Industry, will give you ___% of our profits in order to secure "Net Neutrality". We want to stream Porn to all your constituents. As you know Happy Voters vote for incumbents. The money we give will be more money than you can imagine.

Thanks for watching! Please follow the link: http://www.Phil_Harvey_Gone_Wi... for some free samples and a way to get our wink and nod going.

Thanks for your time.

Dirk Diggler
President, Union of Porn Actors
12/5/2012 | 3:55:23 AM
re: Save This Blog
Its the 3rd millienium, for Pete's sake!
Where's the instant gratification in writing a letter?

Take the lead from a hip teenager in an oversized
sombrero from yesterday. He held a placard that read:

No Illegals,


No Burritos


He got his picture on Drudge: what did you get?

Maybe he should have your job...
12/5/2012 | 3:55:20 AM
re: Save This Blog
re: "Where's the instant gratification in writing a letter?"

There is no gratification until you fax the letter. Then you feel totally euphoric.

re: "Maybe he should have your job..."

Impossible. CMP has a funny hat clause.
12/5/2012 | 3:55:20 AM
re: Save This Blog
Not bad. But are porn actors smart enough to unionize?
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