1:00 PM -- So, tuff guy, you've got a new baby. And you just can't wait to teach him how to use power tools, fix a carburetor, and beat a nickel defense.

Unfortunately, at the moment, he's still working on the intricacies of burping, and walking is like a distant dream. So for a while, you'll mostly be pushing him around, changing poopy diapers, and the like.

But what's this? These strollers and diaper bags are all so... girly! You can't be seen getting out of your Hummer with that!

Well, stop crying, you sissy. Your masculinity need be threatened no more, because now there's GIG – that's Guys' Infant Gear – to sell you some totally non-fruity baby stuff.

And GIG's manly-man baby brands, such as "Flanker," "Tailback," and "Ass Kicker" (OK, we made that one up), all feature "Zone Defense" technology... to the extreme, dude!**

'Cause remember: If you can't afford $120 (yes, that's a 1, a 2, and a 0) for a backpack, then you don't deserve to be a father, scumbag.

— Red "Manly, but not a Man" Panda, Light Reading

**As an extra special bonus feature, every bag comes with a can of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink. This beverage, composed of 100% Pure Steven Seagal Juice, is designed especially for intense mortal combat, or any extreme situation requiring ultimate energy.