LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet
The object, which is nearly 10 billion miles from the Sun and more than three times more distant than Pluto, was discovered three years ago by astronomers led by Mike Brown at the California Institute of Technology. They mistook it for an astral body and named it 2003 UB313.
As recently as this week it was again misidentified, this time by by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), who mistook it for a "pluto."
However, after a detailed examination of photographic evidence, researchers at Light Reading have determined that this "pluton" is, actually, in fact, and of course, the Death Star.
"Normally we wouldn't publish such speculation without a second source," Light Reading's news editor Phil Harvey says. "But I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here working the phones when I could be warning people of what could be a real danger to us all. My father was a news editor on Alderaan, and he never found his second source."
When asked for confirmation of the object's identity, a representative from the Dept. of Homeland Security had this to say, "That's no moon... It's a space station."
The death star is rumored to have been funded by Microsoft Corp. (Nasdaq: MSFT), or possibly, Google (Nasdaq: GOOG). We didn't bother to contact either company for comment.
As for who deployed it, the list of suspects includes Al Qaeda, The Klingon Empire, and the "Church" of Scientology. Senator Joe Lieberman, who vainly requested anonymity, told Light Reading he's "certain the watchful guardians of our new world order will efficiently handle the threat with the alacrity and aplomb they've consistently demonstrated elsewhere."
Condoleeza Rice is said to be already on her way to Pluto.
— The Staff, Light Reading