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LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet

Conclusive photgraphic evidence indicates that what was believed to be a new planet is in fact the Death Star orbiting around the sun beyond Pluto, according to exclusive research undertaken by Light Reading.

The object, which is nearly 10 billion miles from the Sun and more than three times more distant than Pluto, was discovered three years ago by astronomers led by Mike Brown at the California Institute of Technology. They mistook it for an astral body and named it 2003 UB313.

As recently as this week it was again misidentified, this time by by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), who mistook it for a "pluto."

However, after a detailed examination of photographic evidence, researchers at Light Reading have determined that this "pluton" is, actually, in fact, and of course, the Death Star.

"Normally we wouldn't publish such speculation without a second source," Light Reading's news editor Phil Harvey says. "But I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here working the phones when I could be warning people of what could be a real danger to us all. My father was a news editor on Alderaan, and he never found his second source."

When asked for confirmation of the object's identity, a representative from the Dept. of Homeland Security had this to say, "That's no moon... It's a space station."

The death star is rumored to have been funded by Microsoft Corp. (Nasdaq: MSFT), or possibly, Google (Nasdaq: GOOG). We didn't bother to contact either company for comment.

As for who deployed it, the list of suspects includes Al Qaeda, The Klingon Empire, and the "Church" of Scientology. Senator Joe Lieberman, who vainly requested anonymity, told Light Reading he's "certain the watchful guardians of our new world order will efficiently handle the threat with the alacrity and aplomb they've consistently demonstrated elsewhere."

Condoleeza Rice is said to be already on her way to Pluto.

— The Staff, Light Reading

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DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:44:18 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet still no confirmation that that thing was actually the Death Star. we're trying to contact it using Vonage, though. we'll keep you posted.

ph
rjmcmahon 12/5/2012 | 3:44:17 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet On using a common enemy to concentrate power. Don't know if your "Death Star" competes with a "War on Terror".

"The art of truly great popular leaders in all ages has consisted chiefly in not distracting the attention of the people, but concentrating always on a single adversary.... It is part of a great leader's genius to make even widely separated adversaries appear as if they belonged to one category, because... the recognition of various enemies all too easily marks the beginning of doubt of one's own rightness."
straight shooter 12/5/2012 | 3:44:15 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet Hey man, I'll check it out...

Ready for a magic carpet ride...

http://myspace-906.vo.llnwd.ne...
vsomanv 12/5/2012 | 3:44:14 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet I just hope that Ms Rice made it to pluto ...
bobcat 12/5/2012 | 3:44:13 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet I just hope she stays there.
sgamble 12/5/2012 | 3:44:13 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet You should do a poll to see how many do not know what a death star is or your quotes from the original... Would love to see the results.

Wait not I wouldnt. that would make me a sad panda :(
bwzippy 12/5/2012 | 3:44:13 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet I tried to pingflood it (in hopes of saving mankind from certain destruction), but the latency is HORRIBLE!
Garsk 12/5/2012 | 3:44:12 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet Check out a photo of Minas, one of Saturn's "satellites". (http://pds.jpl.nasa.gov/planet...

"That's no moon." - Obi-wan Kenobi
PO 12/5/2012 | 3:44:12 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet "... we're trying to contact it using Vonage ...

Has Vint's Interplanetary Internet come to fruition? Now that would be a news story! (http://www.ipnsig.org/)
burn0050 12/5/2012 | 3:44:11 AM
re: LR Discovers Death Star, Saves Planet Is this Light Reading "The Onion" edition?
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