Hogan Heroics

3:30 PM -- Cisco says it has accomplished what once seemed impossible: "Internet to the Hogan."

Without explaining the Hogan bit, Cisco today announced it has deployed the initial implementation of the first IP network for the Navajo Nation, an occasion that was marked with a big ceremony and some technology tours for the media.

I was unable to attend the ceremony, but I'm tried to imagine how it would have gone and the following scenario springs from that half-witted flight of fancy:

    SCENE: The Navajo Nation Welcome Center and Rest Stop in Albuquerque. Cisco's VP of public relations, Gregory Bob, standing on a small stage, addresses a crowd assembled inside the main foyer for a network ribbon cutting ceremony. Standing next to Bob is Navajo IT director Ned Running Late. Behind a curtain, concealed from the audience, is professional wrestler Hulk Hogan.

    GREGORY BOB: All of us at Cisco are very proud to be a part of enabling all the new services that this IP network will provide the Navajo nation. Congratulations!

    NED RUNNING LATE (shaking Bob's hand): Thanks, Mr. Gregory.

    GREGORY BOB: Please, call me Mr. Bob. Or Greg Bob.

    NED RUNNING LATE: I'm… Well, whatever your name is, thank you for this amazing network and all the hard work that Cisco has put into it. The benefits of adoption are enormous for our people in terms of education, economic development, access to vital services, preservation and furtherance of our culture... Put simply: We are grateful and proud to have "Internet to the Hogan!"

    HULK HOGAN (tearing his way through the curtain concealing him on the presentation stage): DID SOMEBODY SAY INTERNET TO THE HOGAN?

    The crowd roars with laughter and scattered applause. Several people wipe Hogan's spittle from their faces. A security guard quickly goes to stop Hogan but the wrestler head-butts the stooge and sends him hurtling into a row of chairs at the side of the stage.

    HULK HOGAN: When I think about how long some people have gone without a full service IP network, it makes me crazy.

    NED RUNNING LATE: Uh, Mr. Greggy Bob. I really don't think this is a good idea. He's frightening the children.

    HULK HOGAN (still playing to the crowd): You know what's even more frightening? Having to travel days to see a doctor in another city, when you could be making use of telemedicine over a secure IP network. HULK HOGAN'S GONNA TAKE DOWN YOUR OLD NETWORK!!

    (Wandering off script a little, Hogan does a leg-drop on a nearby table set up with PCs and demo equipment, and the whole setup collapses in a pile of cables and gray boxes. During the maneuver, the corner of one of the flatscreen monitors hits Hogan square on the temple, knocking him out cold.)

    GREGORY BOB: Oh dear. Well, let's just get on with the ribbon cutting ceremony.

    NED RUNNING LATE: Great idea.

    (Ned takes a novelty-sized pair of scissors and cuts through a ribbon in front of the stage. As he does, tension is suddenly released on two poles holding up the cloth canopy over the stage. The poles fall over and the canopy floats to the ground, completely covering Gregory and Ned in the process. The assembled media circle the stage taking pictures and shouting questions. The audience laughs uproariously and applauds.)

    GREGORY BOB: Next time let's just do a press release.


    — Phil Harvey, Drama Editor, Light Reading

DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:56:59 AM
re: Hogan Heroics yes. and if you see FTTIS, watch out. that's fiber to the iron sheik.

DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:56:59 AM
re: Hogan Heroics good one. a signature hogan bit i should have remembered had i not been such a hack.

but... hogan's getting up there in years. the arm might go limp up to about a 9-count these days.

"Ill" Duce 12/5/2012 | 3:56:59 AM
re: Hogan Heroics So that what the "H" in FTTH means.
johnnoh 12/5/2012 | 3:56:59 AM
re: Hogan Heroics This, apparently: http://waltonfeed.com/peoples/...

But to continue Philter's amusing scenario, so I can imagine that after HH gets knocked out, Greg Bob goes over to him and lifts his arm to see if he's OK....

The arm goes limp and falls to the ground.

Greg Bob lifts HH's arm again...

Again the arm goes limp. THUMP! Back to the ground,

Greg Bob lifts again only to have HH awakened, arm proudly pointed skyward, with index finger in the form of "No. 1"...he then gets up rejuvenated, head butts Greg Bob and knocks a few others senseless in a moment of pure mayhem.

Now THAT would be a press event for the ages.
alcaseltzer 12/5/2012 | 3:56:58 AM
re: Hogan Heroics Phil - you're entire premise for this piece is weak. The Cisco release defines a Hogan:

'The "Internet to the Hogan" is an overall initiative to drive connectivity to families in remote areas, including to Chapter Houses and the hogan, which is a traditional Navajo dwelling.'

Too much easter chocolate over the weekend??
DCITDave 12/5/2012 | 3:56:58 AM
re: Hogan Heroics Weak premise? Me?

The weaker the better, I say.

I suppose next you'll be telling me that appliances don't talk and Shenick's press releases make sense.




paolo.franzoi 12/5/2012 | 3:56:57 AM
re: Hogan Heroics
I just wonder how a company in Dublin knows anything about the Superbowl.

Also, Hogan has to say somewhere..."Watcha gonna do when the Internet runs wild on you, Brother!"

I have yet to figure out a way to get the "24 inch pythons" into the dialogue. But you would expect Hogan to remind everybody to Hang and Bang, Eat their Vitamins, and believe in Truth, Justice and the American way.

"Ill" Duce 12/5/2012 | 3:56:51 AM
re: Hogan Heroics Just what the Native Americans need...Internet Access. 20% of the population doesn't have running water and many don't have electricity.

Many don't have a truly decent place to live, but they'll have streaming TV!

Iron Sheik? Phil you're showing your age. The Duce met the Iron Sheik along with KING KONG BUNDY! in LV afew years back. I was at a sasles conference for a former employer and they actually had matches in the hotel ballroom. IT was insane. Bundy was absolutely hilarious taunting the crowd and making fun of the sales execs. Then Sinbad came out and did a show. I was hoping Bundy would give him the souplex!

And for the record, you may not like me, but I'm the best thing goin! Wooooooohoooo!
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