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Big Screen Dreams

Ray Le Maistre

1:00 PM -- EuroBlog has just had a few weeks' vacation, which included catching up with some of the latest movie blockbusters and indie releases.

And that got us thinking: If we had to watch some telecom-related movies, what would make for some fine big screen entertainment? So here's five we dreamed up in the hope that you, our beloved readers, would throw in a few suggestions yourselves.

Inglourious Broadbandbasterds
Director: Quentin Tarantino. Running time: 537 minutes. Gig Ponman (Brad Pitt) pulls together a motley crew of psycho trench diggers who rip out Europe's defunct copper plant, fiber up the region's capitals while discussing the merits of deep-pan over thin-crust pizza, and then plan to blow up the headquarters of every national telecom regulator. KABOOM!! Cameo appearance by Viviane Reding of the European Commission, who lobs margin-crunching grenades at passing mobile operators on the Champs-Élysées.

Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen Vendor
Director: Michael Bay. Running time: 33 months and counting. Victor Agnellini (himself) is tasked with saving a giant technology company from self-imploding. Based on a true story, and soon to be released as an educational video (Canada only). (See AlcaLu Appoints Transformer.)

Huawei The Lads [To be said out loud in a strong Geordie accent.]
Co-directors: Ken Loach and Ang Lee. Running time: A whole soccer season. (Distributed in the U.K. only because no one else will understand the title or the script.) Mike Ashley (unfortunately himself), owner of English soccer team Newcastle United, sells up (or out, whichever you prefer) to Chinese vendor Huawei Technologies Co. Ltd. . The giant equipment firm then pumps billions of Yuan (loaned by multiple banks) into the club in the hope it can recapture its glory days and provide the vendor with some positive PR. Problems occur, though, when team manager Alan Shearer (himself) finds he has to defer to Shenzhen for the team selection prior to each game. The movie ends as the Huawei management team eyes up the Washington Nationals for its next sporting acquisition.

Basil Potter and the Gigabit of Fire
Director: David Lynch. Running time: A full development cycle. Basil Potter (Harry Alwan) attends another year at IPD Towers, waving his magic TiMetra wand over his R&D team, and clashing with the Swedish party-loving dragon, Redbacchus, before descending into an incomprehensible Twin Peaks-like fantasy world where Cisco Systems Inc. (Nasdaq: CSCO) doesn't exist and John Chambers runs a cherry pie stand. Not suitable for young children or employees of Juniper Networks Inc. (NYSE: JNPR),

Bert Locker
Director: Kathryn Bigelow. Running time: Decades. Ericsson AB (Nasdaq: ERIC) executive VP Bert Nordberg meets industry stalwart Bert Whyte in a locker room. They drink beer, eat a curry, discuss service creation strategies, and then engage in a fist fight that makes Fight Club look like a baby shower. Rated R.

— Ray Le Maistre, International News Editor, Light Reading

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12/5/2012 | 3:57:49 PM
re: Big Screen Dreams

...but please ask the local pub brewmaster what he changed in the recipe. It clearly affects your journalism.





12/5/2012 | 3:57:48 PM
re: Big Screen Dreams
One of the funniest things I've read since ZTE's balance sheet.

The Transformers bit truly had me on the edge of my seat. And thanks to corporate cutbacks, the edge of my seat is all I have left.

Anyway, well done.

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