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2002 Top Ten: Static Bursts

Light Reading
LR Mobile News Analysis
Light Reading
12/31/2002

Hi, my name's Daniel Jones, but you may know me best as Dan Jones, Senior Editor of Unstrung.

But I'm here today to talk to you about a serious condition that has already afflicted too many marketing managers – often in the prime of life.

Do you sometimes find that life's little GGSNs and PDSNs are getting you down? That WCDMA no longer helps you get out of bed in the morning? That you can't look spread-spectrum wireless LAN technology in the face?

Then you may be suffering from meaningless Waffley Aggrandizing Naming Kondition (or W.A.N.K, for short), it’s a common problem, and yet – tragically – many people don't even realize they're suffering from it. Until it's too late.

Well, Unstrung can help. If you're feeling overwhelmed by acronyms and numbed by PowerPoint presentations, we might just have the answer. We've put together a top ten of the year's pithiest, funniest, and just plain nastiest static bursts for your delectation. They're guaranteed 100 percent wireless router free. Obligatory warning: Always consult with your doctor before starting a course of static bursts. Side effects may include mild chuckling, eye strain, dry mouth, and explosive diarrhea.

No. 10: Data Rage

"It's crap guys, it's all crap"

Summing up the trade show experience perfectly, Andy Nulman, president of Airborne Entertainment Inc. shakes up a sleepy "breakout" session at the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association (CTIA) show. No. 9: The Pink Palm

"Gay sites [are] most likely to attract wireless Internet users," was the baffling conclusion of a survey conducted by Comscore Networks Inc., thus provoking this burst. We eventually got to the bottom of it.

No. 8: Levi's Protect and Connect

These fantastic Dockers pants are apparently "the first trouser to completely re-evaluate what today's consumer requires from their clothing." Reinforced gusset, anyone? No. 7: Paltrow's Massive Wedge

What kind of cad would question Ms. Paltrow's virtue? Ray Le Maistre, that French rotter? Why I'll, I'll…

What? It's about Gwennie's taste in expensive phones? Oh, right… is it time for my sponge bath yet?

No. 6: WLAN – Snacking and Hacking

Chips 'n' dips.

No. 5: Copywriters on Acid

"The new brand name… transcends language, cultural barriers and even technology... Behind the name lies a new adventure." Yeah, pull the other one, sunshine, it's got bloody bells on it.

No. 4: Alcatel and Nokia Bricking It

Ah, executives playing with Lego blocks to explore their "roles." Well, it's so hard to keep the poor dears occupied these days, isn't it? And I don't know about you, but I don't like to keep leaving them in front of the shareholders all day while I pop out to the gin palace for a spot of bingo – it can't be good for them.

No. 3: Flying Phones of Finland

How many phones would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck… ah, hell, you get the idea. Phones a-flyin', tongues a-tyin', it's all in good fun, eh?

No. 2: Rinse, Spit, and Call

Mmmm, the tooth phone. See, what's confusing about this little invention is, how do you charge the thing? Suck on a Duracell? Might float some people's boat… No. 1: Gent's Golden Shower

Had to be, really. The headline that elicited the most squeals of delight and howls of protest from readers all year. Just your everyday story of a shy and retiring multimillion-dollar fat cat and his bonuses.

— Dan Jones, Senior Editor, Unstrung

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