2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business

Let's get one thing straight: We here at Light Reading endorse our message board monkeys and fully support their right to post whatever they want (that is, so long as it doesn't violate our hallowed "Terms of Use," which, like the Bible, are pretty much open to interpretation).

Like everyone else who reads our message boards, we cringe at the insults, giggle at the jokes, worry about the scatological tendencies, and generally wish folks would continue taking their prescription medication.

Following are a few of our favorite posts of the year – the ones that we think best capture the essence of our message board monkeys' hourly output. We think you'll enjoy our selections (supply your own [sic]s). And if you don’t, we're sure that you will, as usual, give us all kinds of Hell on the boards below:

No. 10: deer_in_the_light defends Redpoint Ventures' John McQuillan. Sort of:

    pompus jerk , gasbag... what do you guys have against McQuillan, he made money telling you what you wanted to hear, if you believed him in the first place, that's YOUR problem not his problem.

    BTW, I do think he is full of stinky gas.... yeah he got me too, I paid for going to NGN in 1999. Proud to say that I have not gone since.

No. 9: Dr_phill_SoHn hands down some provocative indictments to just about every level of the corporate food chain:

    Fellow Disgruntled Dudes,

    On H1Bs: There never was a shortage of engineers just a shortage of ones willing to work for under $30K. I have worked with many from universities I have never heard of whom supposedly had PhDs but did not know basic things like F=ma and just what is a dB. What's up with that? Well at least they work on the cheap.

    Talent: If you stay at the same job for 10 years in your comfort zone and do the minimum at some corporation you are considered a genius because you built the exact same widget over and over and over and...

    Hiring managers: Wake up! If you read a resume which is a perfect match then the person cut and pasted your job description as his resume. You may want to hire someone who can think on there feet and answer questions intelligently.

    On PhDs: They are good only if they have some real experience after the degree, otherwise they are useless. I think the current down turn will get rid of some of their entitlement attitudes.

No. 8: Lightwave Founder Drew Lanza shares a few good-natured insights on the extinction of his company and our Top Ten Turkeys List:

    [...]You point out that you got burned on Lightwave Microsystems. By burned I assume you mean because you had it on your top 10 list and then, poof, it crashed into the wall. Don't feel bad. I started the damn thing in my mother's garage and I feel the same way. Heck, I was in the damn thing when it crashed...

    I get asked all the time if I would do it differently knowing what I know now. Probably not. We set out in 1988 to build the world's best optical IC manufacturing company. We succeeded. Don't kid yourself. You can get a lot of satisfaction from recognition. Recognition is great. We're the King of the Forest. But recognition doesn't put food in our hungry belly. Well, at least we got to growl, eat meat, and prowl the forest for a little while. There are worse fates...

No. 7: Routing guru Tony Li (or a facsimile thereof) weighs in with "The Daily Tony Report," a service designed to stem rumors of his departure from Procket:

[Editor's Note: T.L. hasn't issued a report in quite a while. We wonder if he's quit his job already.]

No. 6: The amazingly astute (and tastefully named) Kornholio726 sees our correspondent for the wounded child he really is:

    Sarcasm, whether subtle or overt, is an outward expression of internal insecurity. Sarcasm is a spoiler, a trip down a negative spiral for all who express it or condone it. But more than that, it's hurtful, and should not be wielded by anyone let alone a journalist with purported integrity. Who are you, Phil Harvey, to write such a thing? What makes you better than the rest of us?

No. 5: In 2001, themaninblack and spinmeister penned six playlets in a series titled, "As The Company Collapses," a satirical send-up of the startup from Hell, Tachion Networks. Only one episode was posted in 2002, a "lost episode," from which this excerpt was taken:

    [...]MIB: Hmmm, I need to head this off at the pass. I can’t let people trying to do what’s right and ethical get in the way of my dreams. Lets move the meeting to Atlantic City, call The Donald and see if Trump Casino is available, and don’t forget the suite for me, and my traveling companion.

    CFO: Will do MIB, I’ll call your wife.

    MIB: Don’t dare call my wife, if you do you’re fired. For the meeting make sure the Quaker Oats Man, and Fatish have ample agenda time. I’ll get one to lie about the product progress, and the other to babble incoherently about technology and architecture.

    CFO: Which one does which? Are you sure this will satisfy the sales guys?

    MIB: No, but we’ll be sure to give them lots of money to blow on the blackjack tables, and ply them with lots of drinks. That generally calms them down for awhile.

    CFO: This sounds expensive MIB. I haven’t done the books lately, but I think we are going to run out of money soon.

    MIB: Who cares about the cost? It’s not like it’s our money anyway. Since when did you get all weepy about VC’s capital? What else do the sales guys say in their emails, Curious George?

No. 4: Sparxe employs the use of cheesy TV drama characters to explain Corvis's much-maligned purchase of Dorsal Networks (and he still comes off sounding more rational than David Huber on a conference call):

    [...]A crusty Lt.Columbo starts to leave the CORV plant. As he exits, he turns and says "cuse me Mr Huber,,,,ah ...uh....why did you decide to do this Dorsal thing as a stock - ah, instead of a cash-ola purchase sir?" I mean you had the cash sir....right? and ...uh also ... your stock was lower then a horse's hangdown's at the time.... was it not?

    Huber looks up and says... You see we use the stock while its low so the purchase price is really not $90 mill. I pass the stock to my other outfit, then we wait till it goes up (cause we know its gonna go up). My one company CORV only looks like it paid $90 million. In my other pocket, the stock is 'suddenly' worth much more, so instead of having $90 million ..we have a lot more.... we can show it as income and boy will wall street love that...

    Columbo looks back and asks... Sir,,,but what if the stock goes down?

    ..as he exits... Huber sigh and say's ...we never thought of that.... ooops.


No. 3: "dietaryfiber" offers a fresh perspective on Lucent's rationale for awarding its executives for utter and complete failure:

No. 2: HarveyMudd, or perhaps an imposter, muses about Ciena and psychiatry:

No. 1: Emirikol issues a correction to one of his previous posts. And, oh, what a correction it is:

Happy Holidays!

— Larry, Monkey, Light Reading
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optimism 12/5/2012 | 12:55:17 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business What breed of monkey is that last one? He looks suspiciously familiar...
willywilson 12/5/2012 | 12:55:17 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business What breed of monkey is that last one? He looks suspiciously familiar.

You mean this one?

CogswellCogs 12/5/2012 | 12:55:16 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business Not that the editors/writers of Light Reading acutally care what I think, but I am highly offended by the use of the picture of President Bush.

I wouldn't expect that sort of 'humor' from my son, a seventh grader. Is Bush fair game because he is a Republican? White? The President? In the interest of fairness, please show us 'funny' pictures comparing any women, Asians, African-Americans, or Arabs to animals. No, I didn't think you would. Maybe handicapped, obese or homeless people? Can you honestly say that you would ever print a picture comparing the appearance of a member of another ethnic group to an animal? I hope not.

Yes, I have a sense of humor. No, that was not funny. It's easy to say you were just kidding when the object of your humor is someone else.

gea 12/5/2012 | 12:55:16 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business CogswellCogs wrote...

"Is Bush fair game because he is a Republican?"

Uh, yes. But I bet if we had a democratic monkey, uh I mean president, that looked as much like a monkey as Bush does (ie, the beady eyes and tiny ears that stick out), LR would have little compunction against putting his picture there.



"The President?"

Yes. We Americans have a tradition of making fun of the rich and powerful, particularly political leaders. My advice: get used to it.

"In the interest of fairness, please show us 'funny' pictures comparing any women, Asians, African-Americans, or Arabs to animals."

Man are you dense. It's precisely because no one would ever think that this is a racial, ethnic, or sexist bias that makes it OK. The PM of Canada called Bush a Moron, and for good reason.

"Yes, I have a sense of humor."

Where? Let me guess, it's doing the "Hokey Pokey" at a family reunion.

"No, that was not funny."

I thought it was at least mildly amusing. But let me point out that if you didn't think it was funny, why do you think it was supposed to be? Could it be that on some level YOU actually think Bush isn't much smarter than a monkey?

"It's easy to say you were just kidding when the object of your humor is someone else."

You mean this is the first time you've ever seen journalists make fun of politicians? I'd argue that's the one USEFUL function they continue to serve.

optigirl 12/5/2012 | 12:55:15 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business Well, while we are ragging on ex-Presidents, anyone notice the similarity in appearance between Slick Willy Clinton and Heat Miser from the kids' show, A year without a Santa Claus"?

One of my kids pointed that out to me a few years back......

BlueFox 12/5/2012 | 12:55:14 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business CogswellCogs wrote:

"Not that the editors/writers of Light Reading acutally care what I think, but I am highly offended by the use of the picture of President Bush."

I think that LR owes an apology to the monkeys of the world. A picture of Alfred E. Newman would have been much more appropriate.
BuckStopsHere 12/5/2012 | 12:55:02 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business Cogs,

Come on. You CAN'T be serious.
photon_mon 12/5/2012 | 12:55:01 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business Cogs,

Come on. You CAN'T be serious.


No sense of humor. No wonder
George Jetson works for the
competition (Spacely Sprockets).

CogswellCogs 12/5/2012 | 12:54:56 AM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business BuckStopsHere wrote:


Come on. You CAN'T be serious.

Cogs replied:

Yes, I am. I am smart enough not to expect Pulitzer Prize winning journalism from this site, but I would hope for more than middle-school humor. If they have policy disputes with W, let's hear them. And let's see them have the guts (or the stupidity) to treat a member of ANY minority or oppressed group in a similar manner. Otherwise, I remain offended by LR's treatment of President Bush.


LR - Please show a little professionalism and don't insult me with a sarcastic 'apology'. Either stick by your guns or, if it is appropriate, show sincere contrition. Thanks.
photon_mon 12/4/2012 | 9:07:36 PM
re: 2002 Top Ten: Monkey Business Ahem. Homeland security does not rest, even on
Holidays. Comparing our beloved president to a
monkey is grounds for treason (regardless of
accuracy). Can monkeys read children's books?
Consider this a warning.

PM (vigilantly standing in for Mr. Ashcroft)
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