2001 Top Ten: Monkey Business

So many simians, so little time...

We at Light Reading love our message monkeys. Some of them are quite thoughtful, some rather witty, some very naughty indeed! And some few, intrepid souls actually stick to the topic at hand. The following snippets pretty much run the gamut.

The most outrageously offensive postings are, of course, not represented here, as they've been expunged from the permanent record. This is just as well, as the holidays are no time to be strewing about accusations of terrorism, crack addiction, and pedophilia. (This is no exaggeration: The day-traders closeted away in Mom's basement get extremely worked up over this stuff.)

So, without further ado, a few of our favorites...

No. 10: "Me" ably parodies (we think!) the whiny chimps:

    I go to your site several times a day. I get all this news for free but you guys make me mad. I would rather waste my time going to 40 other sites to get half of the info you guys provide then to read all of this content on one site. Your humor may be funny but I don't like humor and quite frankly don't understand it most of the time.

    Why do you guys take advertisements from companies you write about? Can you imagine WSJ, MSNBC, CBS doing this? Please only accept ads from foreign soap manufacturers then there will never be a conflict. Please don't write articles critical of the companies I like either.

No. 9: "_____" quibbles over nomenclature:

    Ok "______", you are a LOSER with a big "L" on your forehead. For 1 year now I have been posting on LR using the name "_____" and you come along and add one "_" to your name thinking people will think your postings are coming for me ("_____").

    Well it aint going to work in my house buddy. So go on, keep using my trademark name. Bet you wear your wife's girdle when she's not home. Get a life Loser! And get back to work!


No. 8: "actual" salutes our exuberant style:

No. 7: "Opticalrecruiter" has the inside dope:

    Just an interesting point: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and other revolutionaries of our industry were (possibly still) big time stoners. Read the book "Gates", a biography on Bill written with his help. Plenty of fatty smoking by Bill (pre and post Microsoft), even some LSD dropping by Mr. Jobs. I'm neither advocating nor justifying, I'm just stoned - I mean, just sharing some additional info.

No. 6: "Fed Up" has issues:

    Yes imbicile [sic], I will tell my grandkids about my days at Tachion. Unlike you, I was treated very well. I enjoyed myself. I liked the people I worked with. I looked forward to going to work. Unlike you of course. It's a shame that things didn't work out as expected, but you know what - you live and learn. I, unlike you other poor moronic stupid heartless souls (did i say that out loud?), am not bitter [...]

    And what makes you think I am male?

No. 5: "hippo" raises an issue too little examined on these boards:

No. 4: "tradewindx" offers us the consolation of religion:

No. 3: "toll booth willy" enjoyed the movie:

    Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with optics. Who's gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the industry and curse the markets; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that this economic downturn, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves jobs.

    You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me in the industry, you need me in the industry. We use words like revenue, profitability, visibility. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to people who use the very bandwidth I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a start up and sell more optics. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.


No. 2: "whatever" mounts the barricades:

No. 1: To close on a more serious note, "SoftwareBoy" shared the following in the wake of September 11:

    We are all faced with an incredible amount of things to ponder in the face of all this. For me, I await word of my nephew, working on the 103rd floor of the first tower struck. Nothing yet. It doesn't look good. 26 years old.

    I'm drawn again and again to "The Second Coming," the brilliant Yeats poem. Eighty years ago he somehow captured precisely the feeling of what is going on now

      The Second Coming (1921) by W.B. Yeats

      TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
      The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
      Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
      Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
      The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
      The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
      The best lack all conviction, while the worst
      Are full of passionate intensity.

      Surely some revelation is at hand;
      Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
      The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
      When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
      Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
      A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
      A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
      Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
      Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
      The darkness drops again; but now I know
      That twenty centuries of stony sleep
      Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,

      And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
      Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?


— The Staff, Light Reading
Belzebutt 12/4/2012 | 11:07:14 PM
re: 2001 Top Ten: Monkey Business No. 9 is a classic. I could have sworn there was an even funnier one where he said "People! This _____ is an impostor! I am the one and only original ____!"
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