6:00 AM America's worst food begins a long, profitable march across Russia
4:00 PM Larry the Attack Monkey wishes you a carnage-free holiday season
5:15 PM Freedom from marketing abuse, that is
9:10 AM Step away from the stuffed animal...
9:45 AM The slop-bucket list
6:00 PM Civilization (as we know it) continues its shutdown
NOON Eric Schmidt knows where you are and what you need
5:30 PM Today in history
7:50 AM When riding the Moscow subway, leave the axe at home
8:30 AM Too bad he didn't live to see blogs
LUNCHTIME Germans blame the tentacled messenger
9:30 AM Journalism is still dying
2:40 PM Cellphones are a real buzz kill
6:00 PM The Queen of Blogs is unavailable
9:00 AM Christians 1, Futbol Fans 0
8:55 AM It'll make you look like him
NOON Mag subscribers asked to show some tough love
11:30 AM All cretins are liars
NOON Rule #1: Keep your head
2:25 PM Another Monkey Bidness PSA
10:00 AM No, it's not the Damn Yankees
2:45 PM Good news for the Flomax™ generation
11:00 AM Bow to the rabbit!
1:25 PM High on potassium
4:30 PM Have a glass of radium before bed
1:30 PM The healthcare debate reaches new heights
11:30 AM Marmite from heaven
NOON The search for Harry Smith's head
12:30 PM User targeting nears perfection
1:10 PM Don't give up gambling
11:50 AM Justifiable homicide
11:20 AM How to better enjoy The Game
12:30 PM We're down to our last 30 million
3:00 PM Offal news
2:00 PM File this one under 'Winning Hearts & Minds'
NOON And about time
10:10 AM Moderate those dreams
12:40 PM A lighthearted look back at a decade of wonders
12:45 PM Doping scandal hits the pie circuit
11:30 AM We anticipate a soothing, languorous year
12:15 PM Committee finally tackles the big issue
1:20 PM The story of the decade, in case you hadn't heard
8:05 AM So many diseases, so little time
10:50 AM But things are on the rise
7:40 AM Obama wins Peace Prize for not being Bush
6:00 PM Sports journalism just keeps getting better
6:15 PM Flush it
9:40 AM Tastes even better than it sounds!
11:00 AM Can't get enough of that wardrobe malfunction
9:20 AM Don't mention it. No, really – don't
1:30 PM The new Lost Generation
6:00 AM A stunning coincidence
9:40 AM Yeah, yeah, yeah
12:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance now a fashion statement
10:00 AM The language nannies strike again
2:05 PM Us? Not so much
10:00 AM What are they looking for?
1:35 PM Wait 'til they're lying down
12:10 PM Welsh whiskey: nature's disinfectant
6:00 PM The cheddar has landed
2:30 PM Cashing in on the simian craze
9:35 AM Back away from the canary, sir!
7:00 PM There's a Taco Bell moon a'rising
NOON Jon Stewart dons the Cronkite mantle
9:40 AM Nobody expects the Irish Inquisition!
1:40 PM The sphinx of Kansas weighs in
4:40 PM + pickup trucks... what could possibly go wrong?
6:30 PM Mayhem and moose droppings
11:05 AM Sorry, we don't do tolerance
11:20 AM It starts
3:00 PM Degradation, despair, and death
3:00 PM Home of Ball State U. discovers email
NOON A little Sartre in the morning
9:40 AM PETA strangely silent
6:00 PM They're wreaking holy heck in the home
12:50 PM Cardinal's manager sues Twitter
NOON Krusty drove me to sin
9:40 AM Do not mess with the phone company
8:40 AM We join the Third World (or the Third Reich)
10:45 PM Mothers: Don't let your children grow up to be sociologists
10:50 AM Next, she'll fashion a radio out of a toilet-paper tube and a paperclip
7:35 AM Teach your children well
3:50 PM It is not – she repeats, NOT – Obama's fault
9:00 AM Even urinal cakes got something to say
9:45 AM Real teabagging
12:20 PM Oh please oh please oh please...
11:40 AM Ten celebrities will be dropped into Rod Blagojevich's hair
12:10 PM Why cain't them gol-durn furriners speak inglish?
8:35 AM Read the fine print, people
1:30 PM Are we surprised?
10:30 AM Scots hone their texting skills
6:20 PM 'Freedom is the answer.' What was the question?
8:50 AM And Deaths have declined
Saltines for crackers?
Unethical treatment of George Clooney
Drive careful now!
You throw 'em, you lose 'em
Self-absorbed morons, that is
A six-figure hair day