6:00 AM America's worst food begins a long, profitable march across Russia

4:00 PM Larry the Attack Monkey wishes you a carnage-free holiday season

5:15 PM Freedom from marketing abuse, that is

9:10 AM Step away from the stuffed animal...

9:45 AM The slop-bucket list

6:00 PM Civilization (as we know it) continues its shutdown

NOON Eric Schmidt knows where you are and what you need

5:30 PM Today in history

7:50 AM When riding the Moscow subway, leave the axe at home

8:30 AM Too bad he didn't live to see blogs

LUNCHTIME Germans blame the tentacled messenger

9:30 AM Journalism is still dying

2:40 PM Cellphones are a real buzz kill

6:00 PM The Queen of Blogs is unavailable

9:00 AM Christians 1, Futbol Fans 0

8:55 AM It'll make you look like him

NOON Mag subscribers asked to show some tough love

11:30 AM All cretins are liars

NOON Rule #1: Keep your head

2:25 PM Another Monkey Bidness PSA

10:00 AM No, it's not the Damn Yankees

2:45 PM Good news for the Flomax™ generation

11:00 AM Bow to the rabbit!

1:25 PM High on potassium

4:30 PM Have a glass of radium before bed

1:30 PM The healthcare debate reaches new heights

11:30 AM Marmite from heaven

NOON The search for Harry Smith's head

12:30 PM User targeting nears perfection

1:10 PM Don't give up gambling

11:50 AM Justifiable homicide

11:20 AM How to better enjoy The Game

12:30 PM We're down to our last 30 million

3:00 PM Offal news

2:00 PM File this one under 'Winning Hearts & Minds'

NOON And about time

10:10 AM Moderate those dreams

12:40 PM A lighthearted look back at a decade of wonders

12:45 PM Doping scandal hits the pie circuit

11:30 AM We anticipate a soothing, languorous year

12:15 PM Committee finally tackles the big issue

1:20 PM The story of the decade, in case you hadn't heard

8:05 AM So many diseases, so little time

10:50 AM But things are on the rise

7:40 AM Obama wins Peace Prize for not being Bush

6:00 PM Sports journalism just keeps getting better

6:15 PM Flush it

9:40 AM Tastes even better than it sounds!

11:00 AM Can't get enough of that wardrobe malfunction

9:20 AM Don't mention it. No, really – don't

1:30 PM The new Lost Generation

6:00 AM A stunning coincidence

9:40 AM Yeah, yeah, yeah

12:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance now a fashion statement

10:00 AM The language nannies strike again

2:05 PM Us? Not so much

10:00 AM What are they looking for?

1:35 PM Wait 'til they're lying down

12:10 PM Welsh whiskey: nature's disinfectant

6:00 PM The cheddar has landed

2:30 PM Cashing in on the simian craze

9:35 AM Back away from the canary, sir!

7:00 PM There's a Taco Bell moon a'rising

NOON Jon Stewart dons the Cronkite mantle

9:40 AM Nobody expects the Irish Inquisition!

1:40 PM The sphinx of Kansas weighs in

4:40 PM + pickup trucks... what could possibly go wrong?

6:30 PM Mayhem and moose droppings

11:05 AM Sorry, we don't do tolerance

11:20 AM It starts

3:00 PM Degradation, despair, and death

3:00 PM Home of Ball State U. discovers email

NOON A little Sartre in the morning

9:40 AM PETA strangely silent

6:00 PM They're wreaking holy heck in the home

12:50 PM Cardinal's manager sues Twitter

NOON Krusty drove me to sin

9:40 AM Do not mess with the phone company

8:40 AM We join the Third World (or the Third Reich)

10:45 PM Mothers: Don't let your children grow up to be sociologists

10:50 AM Next, she'll fashion a radio out of a toilet-paper tube and a paperclip

7:35 AM Teach your children well

3:50 PM It is not – she repeats, NOT – Obama's fault

9:00 AM Even urinal cakes got something to say

9:45 AM Real teabagging

12:20 PM Oh please oh please oh please...

11:40 AM Ten celebrities will be dropped into Rod Blagojevich's hair

12:10 PM Why cain't them gol-durn furriners speak inglish?

8:35 AM Read the fine print, people

1:30 PM Are we surprised?

10:30 AM Scots hone their texting skills

6:20 PM 'Freedom is the answer.' What was the question?

8:50 AM And Deaths have declined

Saltines for crackers?

Unethical treatment of George Clooney

Drive careful now!

You throw 'em, you lose 'em

Self-absorbed morons, that is

WWJD? LOL

A six-figure hair day