Yes, Dear Reader, it's time again for post-mortems as 2003 heaves churlishly to a close. And "Good riddance," to quote our ever quotable Commander in Chief. What a wacky year it's been! Middle Earth remains threatened by the shadow of Sauron, the Middle East remains threatened by just about everyone, and Ashton Kutcher is a major Hollywood star!

Meanwhile the erstwhile telecom bubble continues to lie as flat as Strom Thurmond's brain scan. Still, the deflated remains thereof continue to emit the occasional amusing bit of flatulence (I refer to the bubble), and it is the most noteworthy of these gaseous outpourings we are gathered here to celebrate. We've numbered them for those keeping score at home... No. 10 What would year-end feces flinging be without one parting (we hope!) shot at the Grubbernator?

We have turned conflicts of interest into synergies.

– Jack Grubman, Banished Salomon 'Analyst'

Three words, Jack: Secretary of Defense. Go for it!

No. 9 Elsewhere a real analyst tries to put a good face on things:

Sometimes there are companies that exploit the public's ignorance of a subject for personal gain. It's no different than food supplements or skincare products, I guess. So I'm not saying that anyone is a shyster. Let's call it opportunism.

– Tom Hausken, Analyst, Strategies Unlimited

Nah, let's call it shysterism.

No. 8 Speaking of which...

The rulings will be a lawyer's cash-pig.

– Craig Johnson, independent analyst, on the FCC's unbundling compromise

Or might that be a cash-fish?

No. 7 Let's ask a lawyer:

Does VOIP look like a duck and quack like a duck because you chose to create it that way – or can it be made to look like a fish?

– Michael Powell, Chairman, Federal Communications Commission (FCC)

Well, he quacks like a duck. Can he be made to look like a regulator?

No. 6 From the marketing department comes a prescription for real fun!

The ticket to the dance is that you have to be willing to drop your pants and savage your margins in the near term.

– Kermit Ross, Founder, Millennium Marketing

Oh, Kermy! Savage my margins!

No. 5 This marketeer, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have quite captured the inebrious Holiday Spirit:

The leaders will be anointed and the losers will be shot.

– George Prodan, SVP of Marketing, Trapeze Networks Inc.

Boss from Hell?

No. 4 There's worse out there:

When people talk to you about the negative things in telecom life, try to move the conversation to the more positive things. If a reporter asks about layoffs, point out that it was these layoffs that put the industry in the position for a rebound.

– Danny Briere, CEO, TeleChoice Inc.

Thanks for the ray of sunshine, Dan. And Josef Stalin paved the way for the rebounding of Russia.

No. 3 Tony's had enough of rebounding...

I used to be in optics! Now I'm eating again.

– Tony Tissot, Redline Networks Inc.

Gosh! What could have happened to your dinner?

No. 2 Ah... Chinese takeout!

I'm actually encouraging public companies to start moving infrastructure over to China.

– Drew Peck, Partner, Crimson Ventures

And Happy Chinese New Year to you! Peckerwood.

No. 1 But enough mean-spirited grousing. We leave you with an enigmatic, yet hauntingly beautiful, Holiday Haiku:

Within three years, peo-
ple coalesce to something.
– Wendy Vittori

General Manager, Motorola Computer Group May we all coalesce to... something in the coming year!

— Larry, Monkey, Light Reading