Letters!
We get letters!
We get stacks and stacks of letters!

Bill Gates has declared war on Spam.

"Spam is worse than irritating," he grouses in a Wall Street Journal opinion piece. "As part of our drive to create a more trustworthy computing environment, this month, Microsoft filed 15 lawsuits in the U.S. and U.K. against companies and individuals alleged to have sent billions of spam messages in violation of state and federal laws." As it transpires, curiously enough, Microsoft and Hotmail, Outlook and Exchange are leading the forces for Good with their "advanced anti-spam features."

Well, thanks, Bill.

But if it wasn't for Spam, I wouldn't have no mail at all.

Gates objects to the get-rich-quick schemes. Well, sure, he's already made his pile, but how'bout the rest of us? And, oddly enough, he shies away from the plethora of penis enlargement products.

NO Agonizing Hanging Weights!
NO Tough Exercises!
NO Painful and Hard-to-Use Pumps!
NO Dangerous Surgery Involved!

I mean, wow! At last, I can jettison those agonizing hanging weights! Enlarge your member 1-3 inches in 60 seconds! Double its length in a tenth the time it takes to engage in intercourse? C'mon, Bill, you may be rich, but we can all stand to look a little better in the locker room. Could you satisfy a porn star? Could you, Bill? "Harriet" wants to know.

And speaking of rich...

I am Yinka Davies the accountant general of the contract payment department of the Niger Delta Development Comission. I do not know how conversant with the political and economic situation in Nigeria...

I want to assure you that this is an accredited deal that will executed under legimate arrangement, Therefore , you are protected from any encumbrances or embarassment...

Yinka's got US$15.5 million for me. But that's peanuts: "The most popular farmer in Zimbabwe" is sitting on US$28 million. And, Hell, "Mr Jubril Martin, a 53 years old man and the Deputy Treasury Officer with the Central Bank of Congo" is willing – nay, eager – to unload $US36.8 million! So get in line, Yinka!

And back off, Billy. Can you say "dog in a manger"?

And can you say "cognitive dissonance"? How's this for Spam?

(Brought to you, no doubt, by Jews for Jesus.)

Whatever. Horny housewives aside, I most treasure those messages that tantalize me with their untranslated multiculturalism...

台北市青少年育樂中心3樓演藝廳(北市仁愛路1段17號)
如果您未來不想再收到類似郵件，請告訴我們！

...and with their sheer gnomic opacity...

Yes, I like Spam. I celebrate it in all it's glorious varieties... egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
[© Monty Python's Flying Circus]

Gotta run now. Hot teens are waiting for my call, and I've still gotta check out Britney's Infamous Interview...

Pararse Dubious Zweifelhaft!

— Larry, Monkey, Light Reading