I'm not a professional editor or anything – and I certainly don't photograph well – but a recent email advertisement from Informa Telecoms & Media made my toupee ricochet right off the ceiling.

The subject of the email: "Converegence diverges."

"Hmmm," I mused, while reapplying my hair hat. "It's risky. I like it. It hints at relevance, but makes wild departures from commonly accepted spellings."

It's as if this Informa group is saying, "We're not just attempting wordplay here... we're actually making up words out of thin air." Now that's cutting-edge. It takes a real analyst house to pull that off.

And pull it off they do. Note the email's opening gambit, unedited for your pleasure:

"My word," I thought. "They're not just addressing me as some Joe Schmoe that happens to dabble in telecom. They've elevated my stature to the stratosphere."

From this day forward, I will introduce myself at parties as "Phil Harvey, an commentator with a stake in future convergence."

I expect that people will be floored and downright intimidated by my careless use of indefinite articles. "Goodness," they'll reflect, "any fellow who tosses language about with such abandon must surely be a powerful person. Or an powerful person. Something like that. Confound it! I think I'm in love."

I'll wear a monocle and will grow a handlebar mustache to amplify the effect.

Or is it affect? Well, my pet, don't worry about it. That's why Informa says:

See, in the margins of its bold advertisement, Informa Telecoms & Media teaches us that only a piker worries about such petty things as effecting vs. affecting. A man – excuse me – an man lost in celestial contemplation of the future of telecommunications doesn't have time for such malarkey.

But why should I listen to another Webinar? Informa provides the ultimate service here by playing Russian Roulette with logic:

"My word," I thought. "If any attempt to capture the essence of convergence is futile, then this Webinar itself is futile."

Or is Informa merely challenging my intellect yet again, to prove that it is indeed the spiciest analyst house this side of Radcliffe-on-Trent?

By this point in the ad, I'm wondering, "Who are these people, and what sort of superhuman powers do they possess?"

Lucky me, pictures and bios were included in the email. I'm humbly passing the pictures along as is, dear reader, but I'll have to take some liberties with the bios, as I'm sure the Informa folks were being modest with their accomplishments.

— Phil Harvey, An Commentator, Light Reading