Light Reading

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...


      We get letters!
      We get stacks and stacks of letters!
Bill Gates has declared war on Spam.

"Spam is worse than irritating," he grouses in a Wall Street Journal opinion piece. "As part of our drive to create a more trustworthy computing environment, this month, Microsoft filed 15 lawsuits in the U.S. and U.K. against companies and individuals alleged to have sent billions of spam messages in violation of state and federal laws." As it transpires, curiously enough, Microsoft and Hotmail, Outlook and Exchange are leading the forces for Good with their "advanced anti-spam features."

Well, thanks, Bill. But if it wasn't for Spam, I wouldn't have no mail at all.

Gates objects to the get-rich-quick schemes. Well, sure, he's already made his pile, but how'bout the rest of us? And, oddly enough, he shies away from the plethora of penis enlargement products.

      NO Agonizing Hanging Weights!
      NO Tough Exercises!
      NO Painful and Hard-to-Use Pumps!
      NO Dangerous Surgery Involved!
I mean, wow! At last, I can jettison those agonizing hanging weights! Enlarge your member 1-3 inches in 60 seconds! Double its length in a tenth the time it takes to engage in intercourse? C'mon, Bill, you may be rich, but we can all stand to look a little better in the locker room. Could you satisfy a porn star? Could you, Bill? "Harriet" wants to know.

And speaking of rich...

    I am Yinka Davies the accountant general of the contract payment department of the Niger Delta Development Comission. I do not know how conversant with the political and economic situation in Nigeria...

    I want to assure you that this is an accredited deal that will executed under legimate arrangement, Therefore , you are protected from any encumbrances or embarassment...
Yinka's got US$15.5 million for me. But that's peanuts: "The most popular farmer in Zimbabwe" is sitting on US$28 million. And, Hell, "Mr Jubril Martin, a 53 years old man and the Deputy Treasury Officer with the Central Bank of Congo" is willing – nay, eager – to unload $US36.8 million! So get in line, Yinka!

And back off, Billy. Can you say "dog in a manger"?

And can you say "cognitive dissonance"? How's this for Spam?

Help us put an end to SPAM!
Download Your Anti-Spam Software Here!
The Hands-Down
Most Powerful,
Effective & Intelligent
Anti-Spam Tool!

(Brought to you, no doubt, by Jews for Jesus.)

Whatever. Horny housewives aside, I most treasure those messages that tantalize me with their untranslated multiculturalism...

...and with their sheer gnomic opacity...

Get rid of those unsightly stretchmarks:
calibrations kalibrierungenauslaufen pararse dubious zweifelhaft

Yes, I like Spam. I celebrate it in all it's glorious varieties... egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
[© Monty Python's Flying Circus]

Gotta run now. Hot teens are waiting for my call, and I've still gotta check out Britney's Infamous Interview...

Pararse Dubious Zweifelhaft!

— Larry, Monkey, Light Reading

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Larry, Monkey
Larry, Monkey,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:49:21 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
Thanks so much for the kind words!
The passage you seek to translate, however, works out a bit better when treated as Chinese:
The Taipei young people happily support the central 3 buildings and performance hall (North Market Benevolence Road, 1 section of 17); if you do not want to receive similar mail in the future, please...
User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:49:21 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
And by "waste of bits" I mean this article, not Spam.

But for those who were curious, babelfish tells me that the Japanese spam reads:

The Taipei city young people growth 樂 central 3 樓 performing 藝 廳 (north city benevolence love road 1 step 17 號) 如 fruit? Not yet 來 non- thought re-收 arriving at similar mail case, receiving accusation our 們!

User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:49:02 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
If you could gain 1-3 inches from each product on the market, what would happen in you took ALL of the products on the market? Let's see....1-3 inches per product, 20 different pills (that's only about a week's worth of spam offers)....think of the possibilities! Gents, throw away those sledgehammers and wrecking balls! Get rid of the old chainsaw and jackhammer! You're now armed with THE MEAT CLUB! It'll take down trees, hit home runs (literally), knock down walls AND give zoo animals and Milton Berle (RIP) something to talk about! You'll need to wear a skirt (a LONG skirt) but who cares? You'll be packing THE MEAT CLUB!
User Rank: Light Sabre
12/4/2012 | 11:48:51 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
Could bring a whole new meaning to "last-mile solutions" ;-)
User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:48:50 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
Bits are a terrible thing to waste

bloody Vikings

For what it's worth, I enjoyed it.
User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:48:22 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

Email was the "killer app," remember?
Spammers are discouraging people from using it.

We're afraid to expose our email addresses,
afraid to join mailing lists, can't let our
kids read their email independently.
That's discouraging people from using related services, and stunting the growth of the network. It's costing us coming and going.

Think it's the spammers' fault? Nope!
Spammers are a natural phenomenon, like cockroaches.
As long as there are dirty kitchens there will
be cockroaches, no matter how much poison we spray.

Cockroach infestations are the fault of sloppy housekeepers.
Spammers are the fault of spam-tolerant ISPs.

How long do you think those penis pill Web sites on Chinanet Shanghai would last if the backbones null-routed their AS, even for a few hours?
AT&T and C&W and MCI and Verio *have* AUPs, they just don't enforce them because they think nobody's looking.

How long do you think it would take Telefonica
and Comcast and SBC to close outbound port 25 from their vast clueless consumer Microsoft farms and stop all that zombie spam, if their peers decided not to accept their email until they fixed their zombie problem?

I think most of the spammers could be shut down in a few months, if the backbones decided they wanted to. They just don't bother because nobody knows they're the problem. Where is _60 Minutes_ when you need them?

mr zippy
mr zippy,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:48:20 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
"AT&T and C&W and MCI and Verio *have* AUPs, they just don't enforce them because they think nobody's looking."

See my first post - spam contributes to increased bandwidth demand, Telcos are in the business bandwidth supply.
mr zippy
mr zippy,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:48:20 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
More Spam = More bandwidth required.
More bandwidth required = Telco recovery.

User Rank: Light Beer
12/4/2012 | 11:44:04 PM
re: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...
"...Telcos are in the business bandwidth supply"

That blinkered business model has been throroughly shown to be sham over the last 2 years. Telcos are in the business of making money, from people who can pay. Spammers aren't are revenue source - they are a disincentive to the type of customers who are wanted.
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