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Motorola to Shock With TAZR

Phil Harvey
4/1/2007
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ORLANDO, Fla. -- Motorola Inc. (NYSE: MOT) is brewing up a top-secret plan to launch an ultra-thin cellphone and personal security device that can be used to zap people, Light Reading has learned.

The new phone, called the TAZR, is slated for U.S. release this fall, officials said.

Like the wildly popular RAZR, TAZR is thin. And like the lackluster ROKR phones, it does have an MP3 player built in. But, as its name suggests, the Moto TAZR has one feature that some will find shocking: When slipped into a special high-voltage clip-on attachment in the phone's carrying case, the TAZR can literally knock your socks off.

Government reviews of the legality of the product are expected.

"The TAZR's target markets are women, young people, and men who want a fully functional phone -- or generally anyone that might want to shock the cr*p out of somebody," says one source that's kind of close to the company (but not really that close).

Light Reading editors have been supplied top-secret photos of the device but have been unable to to publish them because of fears of reprisal from Apple Inc. (Nasdaq: AAPL) CEO Steve Jobs, who is said to have immediately launched his own program to develop the iShock, a similar product from Apple that would include an MP3 player, movie camera, personal security device, and electric massage toy. "We'll do them one better," said Jobs or someone who looks a lot like him.

Unconfirmed (and really dodgy) reports say the RAZR phone could possibly be resold by AT&T Inc. (NYSE: T) in late 2007, and it will have a one-inch clamshell design, titanium finish, and built-in handcuffs. The law-enforcement market will apparently be targeted in addition to paranoiac consumers.

Sources (in our local bar) say the price will be a whopping $1,500 with a two-year contract, which includes personal liability insurance.

Special promotions are said to be in the works. Moto, through its wireless partners, is considering issue credits and rebates when a valid police report is mailed in. Residents of Miami and Camden, N.J., will be offered a special "six-pack" deal in which the sixth TAZR is free.

Mario LaJolta, possibly a Motorola spokesman, says data gathered from Moto's home monitoring and home security lines of business kick-started the company's search for a way to offer a combination cellphone and self-defense device.

"Our research in Idaho, L.A., and the South Bronx indicated people thought they needed more ways to defend themselves," LaJolta says.

A few unlucky analysts have experienced hands-on demonstrations.

"It definitely works as advertised," says Heavy Reading analyst Patrick Donegan, who was floored by the device. Donegan says he was particularly impressed by the rubber mouthpiece that will be distributed with the product.

"If not for the mouthpiece, I would have bit my tongue off," said Donegan. "This shows real foresight and planning on the part of Motorola's engineers."

— Thomas Alva Battery, Personal Toy Editor, Light Reading

[Disclosure: Our lawyers advised us to tell you this story is really, extra, super fake.]

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tobeit
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tobeit,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:11:00 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
...haha... Please, could you put your mouthpiece in so that I can FAZR, ah sorry, TAZR you? And, please, don't forget to lock the handcuffs, would you?
chophopper
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chophopper,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:11:00 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
This is not a laughing matter. Frankly I'm appalled that any corporation would come up with this kind of product. What if somebody keeps this device in his pocket, accidently leaves it on vibrate/tazr mode, and receives an incoming call. This could seriously injure a man's crown jewels. Please do not buy this phone.
metroman
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metroman,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:11:00 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
I also hear that they intend to release a product called FAZR which is a combined mobile phone and futuristic self defense weapon. J L Pickard of Motorola Enterprise Division states, "we are locked in and ready to engage on this project". One of the new profiles along with "Meeting" and "Silent" on the new model has the working name of "Stun". Pickard added that he hopes to see people setting their FAZRs to Stun in the near future.
He also admitted that due to adverse publicity, the planned "Doctor Crusher" has been cancelled. Much of the industry feedback has focussed on their being a lack of qualified physicians in the system and that destroying them in this way was inhumane.

Metroman


tobeit
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50%
tobeit,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:59 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
Ray, why did you blow it already? I could have had another laughter reading these responses to such great "art"icle.
tobeit
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50%
tobeit,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:59 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
... I am getting worry that you are serious DPD, are you?! If so, please, ... put this mouthpiece slowly between your teeth and hold still for a moment that I can attach that clip....
digits
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digits,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:59 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
I think you are all missing the bigger picture. This is a potentially stunning addition to the Motorola range that could revive the flagging fortunes of its handset divi.... oh, hold on, it's April 2 now....
DPD
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DPD,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:59 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
So, in addition to carrying a phone the user will also have to carry a mouthpiece and a special clip. I could see it now: "Mr. MuggerTurd, pay no attention while I put in this mouthpiece and attach this special clip to my phone"...

This is MOT's next Iridium.
ahwnn
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ahwnn,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:58 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
A fun option to have on a cell phone would be the ability to disperse different aromatic scents. Instead of having distinct rings, you can have a distinct smell depending on who's calling. It should be automatically programmed to act as a whoppie cushion on April 1st.
dbostan
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50%
dbostan,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:58 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
C'mon guys!
DCITDave
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DCITDave,
User Rank: Light Beer
12/5/2012 | 3:10:58 PM
re: Motorola to Shock With TAZR
re: "you can have a distinct smell depending on who's calling."

What a dreadful idea. Granny, is that you?
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