First off: the good news. CPqD (wasn't that one o'them robots in Star Wars?) was looking to lure us to USTA Telecom03 in Las Vegas thusly: “Play golf. Have fun. Network with telecom leaders. Win a hummer!”

Well. Screw golf, and I can forbear the rollicking good times with the "telecom leaders," but a free hummer? Heck, it suits my agenda! I never leave Vegas without getting myself a good hummer or two!

Speaking of bacchanalian romps: “Lucent Technologies will host a Brown Bag eLunch teleconference on Friday, October 31… The Brown Bag eLunch is a series of informational webcasts designed to highlight Lucent's latest strategies, solutions, products and technologiezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...”

Hold me back, mama! Them Lucites may have some money problems, but they still know how to show a monkey a good time. I’m strappin’ on the e-bag even as we speak!

From the Marketing Mayhem League: Alan Kipping says his firm, Sevista, can help us with our "subscription stimulation." Sorry Al, but you sounded just a bit too eager – plus, as we've found to our considerable chagrin, "subscription stimulation" happens to be illegal in at least seven states.

Here’s a frightening manifesto from across the puddle: Paris Europlace is hosting a conference dedicated to ”European Enlargement and Integration.” Watch yer back, Mongolia! The Lebensraum hunt is on again!

Speaking of puddles: A moist Adelphia spokesbod alerts us to a change of plans (and knickers, apparently): “Hi Mary – My apologies for the incontinence...” Hey, no prob! But no piggy-back rides for you... and don’t call me Mary!

From the Dept. of Acroterror: "Phapps (an acronym for phone applications) is both a new medium and a new creative message platform that turns the average mobile phone into an interactive informational, advertising or e-Commerce medium today..." So writes Fern Flamberg (or is that Phern Phlamberg?) from the Empty Blather Division of DeviceIQ. Thanks, Fern, but we'll stick with Phone Articulations for now.

More from the Eastern Front: “Sagem is a French high tech multinational with offices in over twenty countries and production facilities in Germany, Brazil, Spain, US and the Check Republic.” Rumor has it they’re looking to expand into the Credit Union and, perhaps, the Sultanate of Simoleons as well.

And finally, this memo from the folk at Evite. No, not that Argentine babe – Evite’s the electronic greeting card company, holidays their specialty. We reproduce it in full:

Party on, penitents! And Christmas has been moved to the 11th this year! So Happy Halloween, my primate pals! And remember...

But it could be a hummer!

— Larry, Monkey, Light Reading